Training for an IM with a spouse that does not exercise

Jonathan Brown

Hello All,

Back story:
So my partner and i have been together for over 8 years. When we first started to date, I smoked over a pack a day and was a lazy lump. At that point we were both in the same boat. Now today, i am far from lazy and lost over 35 lbs. He is still lazy and has added a few lbs (he was never a smoker).

Like most couples we have had fights about how much I exercise and what is enough when it comes to races. When do they stop or stay shorter so i am home more.

Main point to my post:
He (my partner) asked me the other day, what is the percent of endurance athletes (EA) are in a relationship with another endurance athlete? vs. How many people are like him and I? I chucked out some random number 25% to 35% of endurance athletes are in a relationship with other endurance athletes. ?????? Am I off on this number?

Also the follow up question, do you and your spouse fight when you are gone all the time because of training? how do you prevent the fight? (FYI, we argue far less now that he is used to me being gone)

new2703

That's a tough question to answer because every relationship is different. I am married to a non endurance athlete and I do sometimes get the look or the eye rolling when I tell her I've got to ride for 4 hours or do a twenty mile run. We'v never really had an argument about it. The other thing I do is try to make it less intrusive into our daily lives. I'm no relationship expert but it may be worth talking to him about it and see why it bothers him so much. That way maybe you can find an amicable solution.

Natalie Cayer Pilon

Great advice John. I am part of the other percentage where both spouses are endurance athletes. I initially made the move towards a healthier active lifestyle, but it didnt take long before my DH joined me. We didnt start out as endurance athletes though. It was something we built towards. First it was a shift in diet and lifestyle. Then we started weight lifting, cross training, with a personal trainer. I wish I could be of more help to you and give some examples of solutions that worked for us. I agree with John`s suggestion...to try and find times to train when it least impacts your time together. Perhaps even making time for one another would help him `share`you with your new endurance lifestyle.

All the best!

Michele Cellai

Jon-
I am tempted to have my DH write this reply, but I will do it myself. He is sitting here and I will get his input as I go.

When I first started long course, joined EN, and was serious about training (vs goofing off and just getting by to finish a HIM), he was very supportive. As soon as that first IM was over, he said something to the effect that he was thrilled I would have more time for him, spend less time training or on EN, etc. At first I was annoyed by this, but eventually came to see how I had let training and EN take over my free time. Over the next 2 years, I was definitely more balanced with training and EN time. These past 2 years I have been an ace at training when he is sleeping. He is not an endurance athlete or a morning person. I can often get my weekend rides done before he wakes up or returns from work. I read the forums for a few minutes, but don't read everything. Once you have the big picture understanding, your goal dictates how much time you spend.

Now I know how to tweak the training plan to make the most of the time I have for training.

There is always friction with change. It should get easier, as long as you acknowledge his point of view is valid.

Jonathan Brown

Michele,

Your DH and mine need to get together. My partner does not like mornings and the best time is when i get home from a bike ride or long run, shower, and climb back into bed as if i never left.

Please do not get me wrong, he loves that I wko and have a great hobby. The only time that the whole training gets brought up is when i get on him about not cleaning or doing something around the house. Then the Sh*t hits the fan. These conversations typically happen after i have been sick or taking time off from training. And the pent uppness in me makes me grumpy. so i basically start the whole things. HEHEHE...

BTW, i just know that when May, June, and July hit, there will be some grumpiness around my house. I have shown him my schedule, and i am keeping a google calendar up to date to when i will be working out. So i am praying that helps. Also i am praying that he will start to travel again, so he will miss out on the week days training.

Michele Cellai

John-

You are handling it well. As for starting arguments about stuff not done- I actually tend to do that more when I am fatigued from training and frustrated that the majority falls on me. It so happens that I was not raised by a mom that was OCD about cleaning, so I can let dust and such build up like a champ. But the bathroom and kitchen need regular attention.

But getting back in bed after a workout is perfect if your partner hasn't yet gotten up. I do the same and they really do not miss anything.

Every few weeks he doesn't have to go into the hospital in the morning. As long as I know in advance, I rearrange my training week so that we can stay in bed together- at least until I have to go to work. And I tell him this in advance, so when I wake him up, he doesn't get grumpy. He gets to go back to sleep after I leave. But I get my preferred morning time snuggle.

Don't sweat it. Also, I agree on changing the work out to cut time away if needed. Sometimes I have to do that just because I need to get to work. You do the MS and move on, especially in OS.

Good luck.

Brenda Ross

Jonathan - this is a topic that comes up just about every year. I am sure you are going to get lots of advice. I am in the same boat as Natalie. My hubby and I have worked out ever since we new each other. We have a 23 year old and he was in the gym with me when he was a mere 5 days old. We did not start multi sport until he was 11 but by that time we were experts at organizing our individual training times. I would workout at lunch (weights) and since I got off of work at 3pm, I would do my cardio after work and then get home to start cooking super. Steve always picked up my son from daycare. We shared everything about child rearing. We shared bath time, bed time etc... so while one was tending to the child the other was doing housework, dishes etc.., so we are old hat. Here are some suggestions that might help out.

Cleaning - if budget allows hirer someone to come in once a week to help with the upkeep. That person could do the major cleaning and you and your partner could just do tidying up which would give you time to spend together. If this is not doable, then working out a schedule of who is gonna do what will alleviate the stress.

Time together - when the warmer weather comes, you could arrange to meet him at the beach or park for a lunch together while enjoying the downtime after a long ride or run.

Another option - not sure where your trainer is, but another team mate and her hubby head down to the pain cave when she is working out. He watches a show and she workouts out. They can catch up if the intervals are not Z4 or 5 and feel like they are spending time with each other.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Jonathan Brown

Thanks Brenda. My pain cave is the dinning room since we live in a condo. He has been cooking dinner lately while i have been on the bike. So it is not the most romantic but it is still time together.

I love the house keeper idea, heck we did this for a few years because of that exact reason. He was traveling 70% and i was traveling 25%. So the house was neglected because I needed to train, take care of the dog, and try to have the house ready for him when he got home from work trips. Our lives and jobs have changed that my commute is less than 10 minutes and i can focus on lots while not wasting time in traffic.