Training for an IM with a spouse that does not exercise
Hello All,
Back story:
So my partner and i have been together for over 8 years. When we first started to date, I smoked over a pack a day and was a lazy lump. At that point we were both in the same boat. Now today, i am far from lazy and lost over 35 lbs. He is still lazy and has added a few lbs (he was never a smoker).
Like most couples we have had fights about how much I exercise and what is enough when it comes to races. When do they stop or stay shorter so i am home more.
Main point to my post:
He (my partner) asked me the other day, what is the percent of endurance athletes (EA) are in a relationship with another endurance athlete? vs. How many people are like him and I? I chucked out some random number 25% to 35% of endurance athletes are in a relationship with other endurance athletes. ?????? Am I off on this number?
Also the follow up question, do you and your spouse fight when you are gone all the time because of training? how do you prevent the fight? (FYI, we argue far less now that he is used to me being gone)
Back story:
So my partner and i have been together for over 8 years. When we first started to date, I smoked over a pack a day and was a lazy lump. At that point we were both in the same boat. Now today, i am far from lazy and lost over 35 lbs. He is still lazy and has added a few lbs (he was never a smoker).
Like most couples we have had fights about how much I exercise and what is enough when it comes to races. When do they stop or stay shorter so i am home more.
Main point to my post:
He (my partner) asked me the other day, what is the percent of endurance athletes (EA) are in a relationship with another endurance athlete? vs. How many people are like him and I? I chucked out some random number 25% to 35% of endurance athletes are in a relationship with other endurance athletes. ?????? Am I off on this number?
Also the follow up question, do you and your spouse fight when you are gone all the time because of training? how do you prevent the fight? (FYI, we argue far less now that he is used to me being gone)
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Comments
Can't help with the fighting question....though I would say the answer is the same no matter the issue...so however you deal with fights about money or whatever...
Key for me is to set a couple of rules regarding training. For me, these are:
- During weekdays, no working out in the evening until my son went to bed (7pm). I also won't be sitting behind my computer or anything like that, but really play with my son, have dinner together etc. Consequently I do most of my training indoors in the basement, while wife watches TV or read a book or whatever she feels like.
- For early morning workouts, I try to do them early so I can still have breakfast with the family. Usually my wife and son sleep in till 7-7.30am. So if I can head out for a swim or treadmill run / trainer ride and be done around that time, it's almost like I never left. If you can make sure the coffee is ready it'll almost be as if you got up early to fix breakfast for them. ;-)
- Saturday and Sunday rides I always do whatever it takes to be home by noon. THat still allows to go do something fun as a family in the afternoon, or do my chores (like mowing the lawn).
I guess the key is, if you spend time away from home training, try to make it overlap with other's individual activities and make sure to be able to spend as much time together as possible. Also make sure you DO spend that time together in a quality fashion.
-Push as much information/scheduling at your partner as you can. My house is crazy busy (2 children+1 every other weekend or so), wife and I both work full time, wife is in grad school, children have 2 after school activities each. To maintain sanity, my wife and I sit down with our calendars once a month and plan out the next month. Write it down so you both remember stuff. For us, jobs and grad school obviously take priority over my workouts, but my wife is a saint and understands my 'need' to get wkos in, so she adjusts as possible. The key is planning and communication.
-x2 on doing your fair share of the work around the house. I try to do as much of the domestic duties as I can so my wife can have her time with the kids, study, and sleep. I don't have to bring my job home, so when I'm not at work, I can give all my time to family/household stuff.
-Cut out the extra, non-essential time sucks (TV, internet browsing, etc). We have 2 shows we watch every week (Gray's Anatomy and Once Upon a Time). We DVR these and watch them later so we can cut the commercials. We minimize any other time in front of the box.
-Make time for what your partner enjoys. You expect time, you should give time as well.
-Don't push him to try this exercise stuff. If he's meant for it, he will come to it on his own.
Good luck. Like others have said, the key is communication.
A couple of random and disparate thought:
- It was my wife that started us on this whole 'fitness' thing....until I took up triathlon, we were not a dual-endurance athlete couple.
Now, though, we both are active in triathlon. I, however, am the only one to do IM. When I decided to do one, we had a long talk about what we thought the time commitment would be, how we would fit it into our schedule, etc.
- Over the last couple of years, it has evolved to a semi-regular routine. We have to contantly modify our plans due to the kids' activities, but we work very hard to have NO SURPRISES.
- In a somewhat selfish vein...you have to be happy. And if following this path of endurance athletics makes you happy, then I think it is worth following.
- Lastly, in our "social group with a triathlon problem", I would say that roughly 50% of the couples are both endurance athletes.
Good luck in finding the happy medium for the two of you. Does he have activities that only he likes? Can you take an interest in those....sort of a quid pro quo....
To add a few more thoughts:
Take some time off. After the big race, whatever that is, focus on the spouse and family. If you can get a workout or two in, great, but family comes first. Be prepared to bag every workout if the family has something else planned, even if it's last minute.
Stop talking about triathlon. Hide your magazines, read EN when everyone else is sleeping. Make sure there is a block of time during the year when you make everything else a focal point. Sure it's important to you, but probably not nearly at the same level for everyone else.
Track SAUs very carefully. We make fun of Spousal Approval Units around here, but when you head off for a long bike or run, leaving the family to fend for themselves, they remember, long after you do. When your SAU account is negative, it's a bad thing. Always be thinking about adding to the account.
Family first, triathlon, work and everything else, second!
Get inforation provided by others.
1) Plan and plan early - I just wrote in another thread that I need to engage my wife on IM 2014 discussions now.
2) In your discussion find the root causes to the challenge of your working out. Is it the time away, money spent, are they enveious of your new found health? You can minimize the time issues but there are still 6-8 weeks that will be quite heavy in the IM plan.
I'm now several years in to it and the time is not the issue unless we are both really busy. Her most recent concern was for my health after Lake Placid 2013 with Chris G passing away, another team make finding heart issues. These were valid concerns that we discussed but it did take some time for me to get to the actual concerns about "why did you sign up again" comment.
Seek the core challenges/key problems your partner has to you doing IM. Then you need to seek ways to overcome or compromise on those and finally follow through with SAU's.
3) One example from my life. My wife loves fishing/outdoors stuff and she plans the trip, when, where and how long up to 5-6 days. We do two trips early summer that fall in the heart of IM training but I go every year (June just as a couple and July 1st for Canada day with her family). I like fishing also but no where near as much as her. In our discussion she has come to realize that for me this is a sacrifice due to the time of the trip. In August I would not care at all as Lake Placid is done.
Before our discussion she never though anything of it. Her thought process was it's outdoors and both of us like that why would you not want to go, is it my family, me, or don't you want to spend time with me? So it came down to setting up two different shorter trips. to minimize the training missed. I take my runners but only run when no one will miss me and not at all on the just us trip unless she want to go as well.
Gordon
Our vacations are NOT sandwiched around an IM. The IM is a separate entity. We go scuba diving. That is his big passion that I have come to love as well. So as long as it's not all about you and your races, compromise is possible.
1. Lots of early morning or late evening workouts.
2. Sometimes you have to take a voluntary weekend off or at least cut your workout a bit. A 3.5-4 hour ride @ 85% is better than a 70% ride for 5-6 hours. Don't worry your fitness won't disappear. I've survived an IM on averaging 8-10 hours/week (during my peak) and it wasn't as good as EN.
3. If you can, take a Fri off and do your long ride or run or whatever. That way you only have one huge workout on the weekend.
4. Don't fake being full of energy after a long and hard workout. They have a phenomenal radar for this trick.
5. Don't take IM this, IM that. It bores the hell out of them.
6. On race weekend, share the experience with them. Rather than having him trail you to sign up, bike setup try to do something that they would enjoy. It's not just about us...it's only mostly about us that weekend.
7. Finally, I made a promise to myself that I have not had to fulfill...I would not continue training for an IM if it truly interrupted our family. Now she may debate what "interrupt" means but so far I have not had to do so.
Good luck. We are really lucky to do a sport we love and have loved ones who mostly support us.
My wife and I were both fat and lazy for many years. After our second daughter was born my wife wanted to get in shape so started running. She signed up to train for a marathon with a group and ran "socially". She lost a bunch of weight and now is pretty much a normal person who does everything in moderation, including a bit of running (2-3x per week for 30 min, on and off the wagon, that sort of thing). She ran her first marathon training with a 10:30 pace group and decided that was a good pace to run at so she still runs at that pace whenever she runs.
A few months after she started running I figured I'd do the same, so I started running with her. But pretty quickly I started going faster than her training pace and my OCD side took over and I started aggressively pursuing improvements. You all know the rest…she is normal and I do massive amounts of training.
My recommendation is the same as all of the above for the tactical stuff. I work out after the kids are in bed, ride at daybreak in the summer to maximize family time, etc.
But the other thing I do is have a talk at the beginning of each season and make her part of my planning process. We agree upfront as to the races and the commitment the schedule will require, and ensure an "eyes wide open" understanding of what the season will look like in terms of training rides, etc. In our family we spend a lot of time upfront agreeing to the big decisions so that "in the moment decisions" are not really debated that much.
Sorry Kim, i was not sure if you were male or female because i could not see a profile picture.
I have the benefit of having my wife also in endurance sports but it still can be an issue.
Jonathan, I feel your pain. Like Paul, I was an endurance athlete when I met my wife over 25 years ago so she knew what she was getting into. I try to incorporate what she likes into my workouts. She like riding horses. So I will ride my bike to a destination while she trailers her horse to that spot. I change and run on trails while she rides the horse. Sit down with your significant other and discuss why you excercise. It may be hard to articulate. But trying will show that you care, Get creative on how you might incorporate BOTH of your interests into your life. Both my wife and I started to Stand Up Paddleboard together. It works for us.
My wife is overweight. I would love for her to lose the weight because heart disease runs in her family. So in a selfish way, I want her to be around for a long time. I worry about her health. As a reformed smoker you have to travel that road lightly. You might come off as too self righteous.
That being said, I have tried all different approaches to change her behavior. About food, alcohol, excercise etc..... The only thing that i have found is that I will NEVER CHANGE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING'S BEHAVIOR. I can only control/change myself. As much a I want/hope/pray for someone to change. It ain't gonna happen! I also believe that you must take care of #1. That sounds at first glance very selfish. But if you cannot take care of yourself, then you cannot take care of the significant others in your life. Mothers are horrible at this. They will put everyone else in front of their needs- the maternal instinct. But too much and all of a sudden it's mom that has the flu because she is run down and the entire household is doomed. Balance and moderation are the key in most things in life. So do something everyday for yourself. It does not have to be big, but just something just for you. Some Me Time to recharge your batteries. That might be 10 minutes of alone time. A hot bath without the kids. 15 minutes of reading after everyone is sleeping. This is not being selfish. It is actually most beneficial.
That is one of the great things about the EN philosphy. They realize that the vast majority of us are trying to juggle work, family, training obligations. We even have built in SAU time in the out season. They know that IM training MAY put a strain on a relationship. But we also have a cadre of like minded folks ready to offer support. Lots of love in DA HAUS. Now I have to go and get my workout in. I already have flowers and a big Valentine's Card ready for when the wife get home.
A wise person here once said that you can only really have one Diva in a relationship at a time. For the 12 weeks leading up to IM, well, that's my turn to be Diva. But he gets the rest of the year.
It's up to you to get to bed early enough, lay out everything, etc, to get out the door as the sun comes up. This is the discussion I had with my wife. I hold up my end of the bargain, and she's fine with it. If I start sleeping in, and then rolling out of the door at 10am for a 5 hour ride, then I've got another thing coming!
I wasn't dating anyone when I started tri, so nobody had to adapt to my new lifestyle.
Over the years, I've had GFs that stayed "fit", via various methods (running, xfit, etc). Several of them started cycling and/or tri to be with me a little bit more. Honestly, those ones that adapted the lifestyle have never worked out for me (obviously, see above).
With that said, I found that it's somewhat similar as you married peeps have explained above. With one caveat, I don't HAVE to do anything. Yes, it can be mean. Yes, it can be disrespectful. etc. But if training is my #1 priority, it's frequently all consuming (for anyone I imagine). I make my plans, if they fit into it, with my rest cycles, down/rest days, etc,...GREAT! I try to get stuff scheduled as far in advance as I can, so these choices don't become ultimatum-ish..."either you spend this time with me instead of riding your bike or it's over!"
As any of you that know me, you can imagine that ultimatums such as that won't work on me. Good-bye chickadee! Choice made.
BUT, I do plan together time into my plans. I already have plans post-IM to spend with people, both SO/GF and non.
Yes, that was a long convoluted way to say it, but in short, it's all about time management and communication!