Your "Secret" Fear...
We all have things that stress us out and get us spun up about race day. Sometimes they might seem to be just topical items (what gearing do I need? Dura-ace or Ultegra? Clinchers or Tubulars?), but there's always something bigger or deeper that's driving this fear. It could be the fear of failure, the fear of letting someone down, even the fear of succeeding.
Have you found your deeper fear? If so, we'd like to hear about it...let's leave the aero discussion behind for a second and talk about the bigger picture forces that drive you...
Thanks for sharing!
Patrick
ps - for the longest time, my biggest fear was failing to meet my race day expectations, as arbitrary as they were. It took me a long time to realize that my friends and family only cared I was safe, and didn't really care where I ended up as long as it was at the finishline and in one piece. Now I am free to race for fun...
Comments
I always seem to get worked up about reaching the goals I set for myself. Usually these are time goals and I find that I can easily go down a bad path during the race if I'm not on target. I guess another way of saying it is I'm afraid of letting myself down. This season i am working on just racing and ignoring time. I'm not looking at previous year’s results or calculating my projected splits.....I'm just racing.
The other thing that seems to get me as I get closer to a race is I always question my training. I'll start to fret of the couple of missed workouts but by the time race day comes I usually have moved past it. I think that my problem is I'm incredibly detailed orientated and I sometimes lose focus on the big picture and get wrapped up in the day to day grind. Either way, I have a long way to go with the metal side of triathlon but I guess that what this sport is about...growing physically and mentally....Jason
My big fear has nothing to do with racing in most respects, its being caught off guard. Being a police officer it can get ugly quick, so you have to be paying attention. A while back now I was involved in a situation where had I not been paying 100 percent attention I would not be writing this post. There has been numerous other times but this one was much closer. Maybe that is why when I race or even train, rarely will I be without something I need.
Don't get caught off guard, pay attention to whats around you when swimming,biking or running. If it does not seem right its not.
My secret fear has changed over the course of my triathlon life. In the beginning, surviving the swim was truely a very present and not so secret fear. Once I got over that concern my fear switched to crashing on the bike and getting seriously injured (or worse). Then it became just doing something/anything that would embarrass myself or my family/friends (like GI issues on the run that become obvious to anyone running behind me- if you get my drift) or having to pull out of the race for something really stupid and controllable if I had only been more careful with my prep (like forgetting a spare tube and getting a flat). And then it turned to a fear of failure- letting friends & family down, especially those that sacrificed so much to let me train to do this stuff. I'd say that one still kinda haunts me.
As I get ready for my next race in 3ish weeks, my not-so-secret fear that is running through the back of my head is injuring myself on the run. Its taken a lot of work to come back from the calf problems and I don't want to slide back again- espeically with IMoo only 12 weeks away from that race. Kinda interesting, I went from fears related to the swim, to bike, to run, with a little transition stuff in the middle. I guess that's what triathlon is all about- figuring it all out!
PS- Dave, I agree, Clowns are really scary!! I think I'd have to DNF if one was riding next to me on the bike!
This year is the first year I have raced and not PRed at something, it was a tough pill to swallow but I have moved on and realize it is just going to be hard and hard to continue to improve from this point on. I'm up for the challenge though.
On a side note, things have changed for me in the last year or so as I now feel much more external pressure to perform well. I used to just set my own goals, now I have family, friends, teammates and sponsors that all have expectations for what I should be doing. My main fear really comes down to waht Patrick said and letting myself down, but now I feel additional pressure not to let others that have invested in me down either.
Going into IM the first time the thing I was most worried about was a major mechanical that would force me to drop out. What is my plan if my crank breaks in half? That kinda stuff. The thought of not finishing was too horrible to think about after spending the prior 364 days thinking about it a bit every single day. I remember feeling relieved when I handed off the bike thinking that at this point I am in control of what happens. Well there was still the irrational fear of my sneakers falling apart but I had a backup pair in SN just in case [not kidding]. Looking back on it now [and seeing similar behavior in others] it is when you start worrying about things that are totally out of your control that you know you are physically ready. If you are terrified that you can't swim 2.4 or ride 112 in xx:xx time you really do not tend to care about the remote possibility of a major mechanical.
The second time I raced IM I felt like I was free to race. I had a finishers shirt at home. The fear there [as mentioned by P and Matt] was not doing what I knew that I could/should. That and the possibility of having to explain to Rich why exactly I was walking while wearing an EN singlet. Luckily it all worked out.
The only thing that really matters that I worry about are the babies. As I imagine is the way that all parents feel, the thought of them not being safe and happy makes me sick to my stomach.
... that I am not dedicating more time to my family, that all my extra time goes into training.
Like many here, I excelled at a lot in my life. I was always a top student, and was good enough to think about pursuing a professional career in dance. When time management with kids moved me from dance to running, I expected to be super at it. Even at my fastest, however, I proved "average." When I got into triathlon, guess what? Pretty average at that too. My biggest fear--and one that I wasted way too much mental energy on year in and year out--was that I would be "slow." That I would embarrass myself, and others would sniggle and chuckle because I was "slow. " I was used to being top dog, and leading the way. This was a new place for me to live internally. I was not used to it, and I did not like it.
But guess what? That's all ego. Nobody gives a crap what my performance is. Does anyone in your everyday life know what a 9-10-11 hour Ironman really means? Nor do they care. In a way, I'm glad I went through the torture of self-imposed embarrassment outlined above. I wasted too much time and lived too long in that stew, but through it I learned that living for external validation leads to living in a lot of bad energy and negative self-worth. Once you move through the crucible, and let go of that--it takes experience, time and maturity to do so--you come out in a whole other place. A place where you let go of what you can't do, or what you think you "should" be able to do. BUT you continue to strive like crazy to maximize the gifts you have. And they are gifts--whether they be 5- or 10-minute miles.
The paradox is (and this is very Buddhist--gotta love them) that once you accept yourself as you are, you never give up the challenge of trying to get better--and, yes, faster. In fact, you crave and want the challenge, and NEVER stay complacent. But it's done without all the energy-wasting baggage that comes with looking for and needing external plaudits--or living with "should haves." In the end, you have to get to a version of this place because--at some point--the age slow down will come. You will bump into the limits of genetics gifts. What are you going to do then? How will you choose to handle that? Will you find the joy in what we do and why we do it? Or not?
Great topic. It's what makes this team so unique and cool.
My most recent fear: That I may be nearing the point of maxing out my athletic potential in triathlon (given my age, genetic make-up, etc.) and that my abilities will soon start to inexorably decline.
Larger fear: That all my training is "selfish" and that I'm not spending enough time with my family.
On the first one, when that does finaly happen (and it will) I hope I can follow Linda's Buddhist sentiment and just let go of obssessing about constantly improving and achieving PRs and just enjoy the challenge of working hard and training and racing for the sheer joy of it.
On the second one, I keep reminding myself that I do everything possible to minimize the impact of my training and racing on my family (e.g. doing most of my training before everyone is awake or at lunchtime during work) and that being healthy, fit and active makes me a better husband and father.
excellent thread.
Anything to do with the bike is my fear. I swam as a kid - so swimming isn't a problem. I'm not a fish, but amazingly enough, after 20 years of avoiding the black line, I'm back at it and finishing in the top third in the water... running. I'm not fast, but I'm on the ground and moving forward by my own power, after a few excruciatingly hot and painful marathons I don't think any run will scare me away no matter how awful it is.
I'm new to biking and it seems a whole lot more complicated than when I rode the yellow banana seated bike as a 10 year old (and I wasn't a good biker then - a chubby kid who ate her brothers' dust in every sport). So last year was spent learning to get comfortable in the saddle, but every race (and every training ride) the fear of a mechanical failure that I wouldn't know what to do with weighed on me like a ton of bricks. I still don't like to ride alone. I know how to change a tube, and sort of adjust my brakes, that's about it. Compound my general fear of fixing something that goes wrong with crash anxiety. I did crash last August during a training ride. I crashed hard. I sprained my ACJ, had road rash on my face... it sucked. I had to scratch my last OLY in Sept and my Oct marathon because I couldn't swing my arm. It was a very long recovery process... physcially and mentally. Mentally, my bike mojo, particulary on descents, is low... every time I hit a crack or bump I tense bc I remember the feeling just before the crash last summer... heck, sometimes driving over a pothole in my car I get the sensation - it's a momentary panic I can't even describe, but it stinks... as far as time goes I'm not half bad on the bike, much better comparitively then the run, but I do an internal happy dance after every training ride or bike leg of a race is done... because I feel safe again.
To echo a few others' sentiments, I also fear a lack of balance in my life. I'm decent but not great (never placed, but hope to someday)... I left private practice a few years ago because all I did was work. Now it seems like training has taken over... at least I still have a job and amazingly enough have a boyfriend (who does tris, although not the long course stuff) - but I wonder if I'm actually in the same place I was in a few years ago... no free time. Although, I'm healthier and happier - that says something - I struggle with balance - it seems like we all do... or I hope we do. I've met some folks in my local tri club who I find are incredibly boring and one dimensional... all racing/training all the time - I don't want to be that person. Yes, I enjoy it and I dedicate an awful lot of time to it and making myself better (because I want to be better... I want to improve, not beat anyone but myself) but I like to believe I am more than a triathlete/marathoner... I have lots of interests and hobbies, I have a brain, etc... I'm glad I found EN (thanks to a friend), because this gives me my athlete fix - so I don't bore my family and non-athlete friends.
My fear is investing 9-months of effort into one day. I accept the possibility of training injury, bad weather, nutritional failures on the run, etc. But I fear those that aren't race related: What if I get strep throat (I had a string of it several years back)? What if I start the day with a stomach ache? What if my back decides to go out (I had completely debilitating back pain for about four days once that had no obvious cause--it hasn't come back, but what if it does?)
Unlike a marathon, where if you aren't up 100% for your race, you can find another, we're stuck by registering a year in advance with all races sold out. If I have the flu on July 25, I just wasted a lot of time away from my family.
My second fear is going all out and risking a major blowup, versus playing it safe. As someone pointed out above, none of my friends and family will understand the difference between an 11.5 and a 12.5 hour finish. But that's a huge range--30 minutes on the bike is about 1.5 mph and another 30 on the run is more than a minute a mile. But other than myself and those on this board, who knows or cares about the difference. That said, even though I think I'm capable of a 11.5 hour finish, should I shoot for 12 or 12:15 to minimize the risk of blowing up? For me, the IM distance may be a one-time event, or at best every third year. What's worse--living with knowing I could have done 30 minutes better if I'd really pushed it, or finishing in 14-15 hours because everything went to hell and I had a six-hour marathon time?
Fears. That's an interesting topic. I was a trauma nurse for 12 years and that helped me get over a lot of "fears". To conquer and accept. But what's below- that scared me.
When I started triathlon 15 years ago, I was just entering a period of deep depression with thoughts of suicide. Weirdly, I knew I did not want to die, I just wanted to make "it" stop. I began to train and race as a way to get out of my house and be around others. I was afraid of me. As long as I wasn't home alone, I was OK. I was laughing out loud at one of my first races. It was R/B/S and by the time the bike was over, it was sleeting. But they still made us strip down to our bathing suits, outside in the transtiion area, before entering the pool house for the swim. Triathlon was part of my long, slow crawl out of that dark hole (along with professional help). So for me, I continuously fear that if I don't train and race, that blackness will return.
Since joining EN, I have come to realize that I probably don't worry as much as others do about what gears are on my bike, if my shoes are as light as possible, if I should have newer tech products to enhance my training, etc. I can't decide of it's apathy, or already feeling that at 42 I am not likely to get significantly faster, or just being so glad to still be alive each and every day, that I can't sweat the smaller stuff.
Great stuff here. Michele, I appreciate your candor and openness.
I think I do a decent job of keeping in mind this is all just a game, but one in which we spend a lot of time and money on.
I get nervous before every race I do, whether it's a time trial, an Ironman, 2x20' FT on the trainer, or the start of a KOM at ToC. Butterflies kind of nervous, but once it begins, the nerves are gone and it's game on.
I fear being taken out by that driver who's not paying attention. I've often wondered if it's worth the risk, but if I stopped because of that, it wouldn't be living.
I'm conscious that each day is a gift and I have everything I need, my health and my wife and kids. With those worldly possessions, there is no fear.
Dave
I have conquered so many of my race day fears over the years that I now race with joy and freedom. Many people have expectations of me and I think they are just being encouraging but really it makes me fearful and ego driven which is never how I want to live so I let their expectations roll off me. They say that maybe I don't believe in myself or wan't to succeed and I say : Hogwash. I believe in myself and race hard but it will never define me. Not placing or achieving time goals etc will not be enough to get me down. If I raced without integrity, if i hurt friends or family or even strangers on my way to the top... Now that would bum me out. Every race I do when I focus on racing smart and check my ego at the door ends up being an amazing race:-)
So all I am saying is I fear becoming ego driven in this day and age. I fight against that in all I do. In the end I absolutely love to train and race. I try every day to be a blessing to the people I train with and race against.
My biggest training fear is being hit by a car on my bike. I pray non stop while I ride for safety. I will always sacrifice speed and watts for safety. It is not worth it. I WANT to raise Madison. I WANT to be around. I love that little sweetie pie!
CC
When I started doing tri's my fears all revolved around the bike. I really hadn't ridden in years and had just learned how to use clipless pedals. My bike handling skills were terrible so I lacked confidence in general. On top of that I had a huge fear of riding in traffic. For years I would ride the trainer too much or I would drive out of the city to ride. This last year has been huge for me. I overcame my fear of riding in traffic although I maintain a "healthy" one. My bike handling skills have continuously improved and I'm much more comfortable now than even last summer. Almost all of my anxiety is gone.
I also fear injury.
Believe it or not, this Team (especially Coach P, even though we have never meet) have helped me start to overcome this fear. I am now a little bit more willing to expose myself in these types of situations. I am discovering that it is okay not to be the best at things, as long as I try my best. This includes exposing myself as a person and trying to get to know people. Until recently I have been a very private person with 0 friends. I still don't have any friends, but have started sharing some of my life with other people (Team EN).
With any luck this will result in a few friends and a much less fear of being discovered as a fraud.
Thanks Everyone!
Pete
This is a tough one. I think I'm more in the camp of Steven, Linda, Becky, Carrie, Michele, (I'm sure I missed someone here): triathlon is a place I can go where I don't have to worry about real life fears. The difficulties of raising a family, running a business that 1000's of other people depend on for their livelihood, practicing a profession which carries a daily burden of risky decisions for others ... these are the parts of my life which housed real fears.
In tri, I can create my fears, rather than have them thrust on me from the environment. WIthin the sport, my biggest fear is not living up to my own expectations, and, increasingly, those of others. I've always called myself a frustrated under-achiever. I wish I could be satisfied with just participating, but a little demon inside demands improvement over past performance. I guess I fear the day that demon is finally silenced.
Like Chris, I feared a major mechanical for my first IM...as in my bike frame would crack in half. I learned alot about bike maintenance that year in preparation for the race.
Like Linda, I feared being judged/mocked/considered less for being slow. I guess I still have that fear somewhat because I really don't enjoy racing that much. Triathlon is certainly not the most successful (as far as podium placement/medals) do in my life. That being said, it is one of the most enjoyable. I like training and seeing measurable progress in my fitness. I spend just about everyday playing like a kid: in the water, running around in the woods, and on my bike.
So the big fear that's left is hearing that voice in my head telling that I failed because I didn't try hard enough. I'm not sure who's voice it is: a combination of my mom, my voice, the expectations of others. It seems that I attribute most of my "failures" to not trying or working hard enough. I would like to quiet that voice and search daily for the many "One Thing" 's that will do it.
I've always been afraid of getting to a point in a race where my body felt like it just wouldn't go as a result of inattentiveness or forgetfulness around nutrition. In my first IM I had so much food in my bike SNB that the little 10 year old girl who was there with her volunteer mom said "Why does she have so much stuff, Mom." (True story.) I was so sure that nutrition would be my downfall. Over my 9 years of triathlon and running though, I'd never gotten to the point of being in danger even with a more appropriate and reasonable amount of calories. In St. George, I some how managed to lose all focus on my nutrition plan. I know better, but whether it was a result of brain freeze after the swim, the migraine I suffered early in the bike, or just straight up boneheadedness I set myself up to not be able to ride well, and pretty much unable to run because I didn't fuel myself. When I got home and started doing rough calcs of what I'd actually ingeted calorie wise; I realized how lucky I was to have made it. Scares the crap out of me to think what could have happened that day; makes me value the finish so much more.
As a result of the nutrition issue, I got to deal with my fear of the day when I would stop seeing a PR with every race. I was 2 hours away from even the slow end of what I expected and planned for. Despite my underlying feeling of acheivement for my come back from serious injury, I did flirt with feelings of embarrassment, as if I'd wasted my time and energy training, that there wasn't much point in continuing with tri if I wasn't going to be a top perfomer, etc. As I said in my race report, I think I needed to have the race that I did have to truly assimilate the growth and gratitude that I thought I'd internalized after my ordeal. I thought and even told people that I was simply grateful for my health and for being able to do any of the training and racing, my immediate feelings of diappointment were proof that I hadn't dealt with that fear. Processing it afterward helped me work through it though. Now I feel a sense of releif when I look forward to future races. Not to say all of this won't return, but at least now I'm on a path for getting over this and finding joy in whatever I am able to do.....assuming I actually execute my nutrition plan.
And 8 months ago when my son was born i gained my biggest fear. I am afraid I will never be able to be half the father to my son that my dad is to me But i am trying my best.
Women, 3 foot putts, and not being good enough.
First, I am in the fear of "not spending enough time with my family" camp. And the crazy part is that I am a stay-at-home-dad (and blessed to be one) so I spend A LOT of time with my 7 year old son. I am truly becoming "that dad." Cub Scout Cubmaster, coach, volunteering in class, hauling a bunch of boys (my son and his friends) to the movies/park/out for ice cream, yada, yada, yada. So I guess this viewpoint is all relative. I just try and take a moment everyday of my life and be grateful and absorb the time I have with him . . . . and my awesome wife.
Secondarily, and it is way less prevalent than when I was younger, is my insides measuring up to everyone's outsides. In other words, keeping score. It has to do with my handicapped left arm and my insecurities as a kid. When I was younger I used to have to be better than you just to be at your level. If I was at your level (academics, sports, etc.) I felt less than you. That feeling doesn't happen much anymore, but I have to catch myself when it does.
Lastly, and this should get a chuckle, is that I fear having to go back to work. Seriously. I was an international business (marketing) exec with offices in Hong Kong, Philippines and Australia. I loved it and I was very good at it. When I got my Social Security statement a couple of months ago and it showed my income as zero for the past several years it startled me. We are fortunate to be fairly secure financially, but if my wife were to get into a debilitating accident or whatever I would eventually have to go back to work. And after 8 or so years out of the work force . . . So I have actually started looking at local university catalogs for a class to take here and there to brush up on things. Even if it is just for fun.
As you can see, not related to sport at all and kinda off topic. Sport is my sanctuary and I try and do my best and if I DNF, etc., oh well. If a DNF, not meeting a race goal, etc. is my biggest issue in life . . . then I have it pretty good.
John
Mike
Mike,
You should be coaching your kid's team and doing your own thing. If your own thing is that overwhelming, maybe it's time for a new own thing. Don't miss the wonder years. There's nothing better out there.
cm
FEAR - just a coincidence it has 4 letters?
Fears are relative to beliefs. If I belief that I will have a mechanical issue and I do then FEAR realized. If I belief that I have done everything possible to mitigate that happening then I have to take it for what it is.....out of my control. I think this is where FEAR comes from really...things, situations, people we can not control. If you can control it then you can manage fear out of it.
I would "echo" all the family things, though using my peers as a measuring stick and the "satisfaction" my wife, kids have of my fathering then I would say I do way better than most.
My FEAR is the "edge". I have yet to race an IM where I felt close the the "edge". The edge meaning am I going as hard as I possibly can? Am I leaving something on the table? Can I hurt bad enough?
I boil it down to this. If my FTP is 264 and MP is 7:45 can I perform at that level or do I dial them back a bit so as to have some cushion for race day. I guess I am scared to see what I could really do.
IMCDA will be in the bag 4 weeks from now and I will have faced that fear! I have done 5 IM's and lots of other races and have just now started to learn how hard I can really push. So many folks I know are "doing" triathlon but not "racing". I wanna race.
I was scared shitless going down that this weekend. I can't believe I have to do it twice.
Descents. Crashes. Enuf said.
Mike said "Is my wife being supportive, or being patient?" I have to agree. I think half the time my wife thinks I am crazy. The other time she is trying to be as supportive as she can while staying home with our 4 1/2 yo and 10 month old when I go out for my 4 1/2 hour rides.
Only now catching up on this thread, and wow. Great stuff everyone!
I think I'm like a lot of people here. This is my sanctuary. Sure there are goals (and lofty ones at that), but there is no ego or expectation that I will reach them. If I do, great. If I don't, that's fine by me to. I still enjoy the milestones along the way (note: it helps if you start out as slow and clueless as I did. can only go up from there!
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One of the things I've always truly loved about the tri-game is that I could be in stealth mode here. No one knew me or what I could do...but me.
When I first started out, people just blinked at me when I talked about it. My family thought I was crazy and laughed at the stories of me falling over getting my wetsuit off or forgetting to unclip at traffic lights, and you know what- I did too. The transition from college sports and competitive judo to the endurance world was not without it's bumps and bruises.
With the success of my practice and the growing popularity of tri's in my community, I'm starting to lose my "stealth" status. I now have more patients and doctors tracking my times and training than ever. People ask me all day long what my splits will be or will I go to Kona (I crack up laughing every time at that one!). They even ask me "what went wrong" if they see times that are slower than they expected.
So I guess that's my real fear. That eventually it will stop being for me and that my business partners will suceed in slapping the company billboard on my back in some bizarro marketing scheme where race results = increased PT skills (I wish!! race fees are waaaaaay cheaper than continuing ed!
) + increased business.