IM Louisville - Race Report - short
Hey all,
I DNF'ed at mile 25 on the bike. I have been thinking about not sharing because it was not a good day and it was so short of a day. However, i need to share so that i can get a few things off my chest and i hope that people learn from this.
We are going to go backwards from race day to training.
Race Day - BRRRR!!! The weather earlier in the week was in the 70's and 80's. Two days before race day, the temps dropped over 30 degrees. And the rains started to come in. Race morning, it was raining and 50 to 52. The swim got cut short because the current was way too strong. So the swim was .9 miles. So i finished that bad boy in about 17 minutes. The pros were in the 12 minute range.
So i knew the day was not going to shape up very good on the swim. (we will get to the root of the issues later). First, we did not get into the water until 9'sh, about 1.5+ hours after we should have started. (rain, cold, and standing) On the swim, once i got in, i was relaxed and was moving. Then I had to stop at two kayaks to understand where the hell i was going in the swim. They had issues with the buoys and the kayakers were moving them, so when i was aiming for a buoy, then i looked again, and it was behind me because it was being moved by a kayaker. I had to stop and figure out where the hell i was. This caused a large amount of anxiety. (will get to that a little later). So, after getting out of the water, my feet and body were frozen.
Into T1, My fingers were freezing and trying to put anything on was a major challenge. I was dressed in my tri bibs that i wore on the swim (mistake), a fresh bike shirt, vest (mistake, should have had a coat), arm sleeves, hat that covered my ears and head, and then i had some toe covers (Thank you Trish) (mistake, should have had full shoe covers). Plus i added gloves after i got out of the tent and on the bike. Lets just say, at many points until mile 25, i almost bailed. I could not feel from my waist down. Like not kidding, i could not feel anything. I saw my legs moving, i made them move. When i tried to stand to get some blood flowing in the legs, i was all over the place. I could not stand and i was very unstable. So that was a bad sign. Also I was shivering, so my neck and back started to cramp from it. so aero was hard. So at mile 25 at the high school, i knew i needed to drop out because I still could not feel from my waist down, my neck was cramping, and i was starting to shake more. I thought of safety first. By the time i dropped, 90 people at the high school already dropped. There were 3 pros on my bus back to transition that dropped. Some people went to hospital. Keep in mind, this was within the first 25 miles for the age groupers. I saw people walking up hills because because they could not make it (this is within the first 25 MILES).
Thoughts after the DNF - I am kicking myself. I have only DNF'ed at one other race. that was because of heat stroke. (irony). I am playing the "what 'If'" game right now with myself. What if i stayed in the race, Well i think i would have dropped out around mile 60 and i would have been in a lot worse shape than i was. What if i bought all new stuff, well, it did not happen, so why think about it. The biggest issues was my training both mentally and physically.
So this is why I wanted to write this race report. Extreme Depression and Anxiety really hurts your training both physically and mentally. I should have bailed on this race a long time ago because of these issues. I have been in a living hell for the last year because of the depression and anxiety. The race and training were causing more anxiety than a race for fun should ever cause. I was both mentally and physically under trained for this race because getting out of bed was a challenge enough let alone working all day then trying to train. Depression is a very bad disease and it is rarely spoken about. However, when it is spoke about its very negative or hush hush. As i have said in the past, it is very taboo. So my point is, If you suffer from either or both of these, dont worry, you are not alone. There are tons of us out here. BTW, DNF'ing does not help the depression at all. Logically a very smart move on my part, but the brain is not logical . If it was, we would not do ironmans. :)
My lessons learned. Listen to your body!!! Over Pack! or buy new stuff and over dress in the cold and rain. Dont kick yourself if it was not your day. Coming home safely is more important than a crash and/or going to the hospital for bad hypothermia. (cause i know i would never have gotten off the bike)
Comments
Thanks for sharing @Jonathan Brown . You were honest about your fitness going into the race and did the best planning you could with the cards you were dealt. I'm glad you took a crack at it, but there is absolutely no shame in pulling the plug. I would imagine with those conditions (and your gear predicament) that it could have become unsafe even if you had optimal fitness and state of mind.
We learn something from every race. Good, bad, or ugly. You know from reading other Race Reports here that not all races are ideal, and many are very very far from ideal. But you've already shown that you learned something from it and also helped the rest of the team learn as well.
I will admit that I know very little about Depression, but I am also glad you are sharing for the benefit of others who might not be as comfortable sharing as you are. I agree that it often comes along with a stigma and it shouldn't. I'm sure you don't "want" to have Extreme Depression and Anxiety just as you didn't "want" to be hypothermic in those freezing conditions at Lou... The members of EN are a giant team and support network who, for the large part, understand that Triathlon is just a game we get to play as adults. There's always another day, and yes, it is supposed to be fun (at least some of the time). I don't know exactly how to help other than to pray for you and keep sending you positive MoJo from MN. Some people don't believe in prayer, but I do, so hopefully that'll at least be something, however small. You definitely have a ton of people around the world who really do care for you brotha! Can't wait to read future chapters of this long journey!
--JW
@Jonathan Brown first off it was great to meet you at the EN breakfast. Good to finally put a face with a name (and story) and now I have you associated with your meal of egg salad (chicken salad?) sandwich. You've been very candid about your year with the depression and that takes a lot of guts to verbalize the struggle, the pain. So my hats off to you for your bravery.
As far as the race goes, it was a shit show no way around it. The swim was a joke with the moving buoys and the current at 140,000 cfps (3x normal). It should flat out have been cancelled. I think the line would have been quicker, but they started putting 1x in the water at a time thanks to overcrowding at T1. I was shivering in my wetsuit for the 40 minutes I was in line (maybe some throw away socks and gloves would have been better).
The bike was miserable. Not sure you could have bought enough stuff to make it enjoyable lol. I kept thinking of the forecast that said it might rain til 9 or 10 then quit....hahaha good one. There is no shame in packing it in, especially when you know your body and you can tell something is wrong (numbness). Like above, better to be able to fight another day than be in the hospital ER for hypothermia.
Anyway I wish you the best, the DNF thing is tough mentally (I DNF and ER'd at Choo 16 in the blazing heat). I thought about it for a long time, asked all the questions about what if I kept going and toughed it out etc. The short answer is i probably would have died. I just use that experience as a building block in the larger framework of improvement. Some say you'll never really know what success really is until you taste failure for perspective.
So sorry.
I know training for these things is important for my mental health. But keeping positive through difficulties such as you encountered at this race is tough.
My only dnf was Canada 2015 when I also dropped out on the bike due to cold. And I was dressed better than most. Put me in a weird space for a bit.
Then Canada 2016 was my best race ever. But what if I didn’t have this happy ending? Would have been difficult.
best towards future plans. If training for Ironman continues to be a positive in your life, best of strength to you moving forwards.
take care.
@Jonathan Brown it was very nice to meet you at the EN breakfast.
What a weekend. From the beginning we knew this was going to be a tough day with any possible outcome. In a day like this anyone could dnf. As you noticed first hand, even some professional athletes called it off by mile 25. That should be enough to bring peace of mind.
You live to fight another day. You did the smart move and you should be proud of your decision making.
I look forward to see you at another race.
Once again, thank you for sharing your story---all of it with the haus. As you know, Depression and anxiety are residents in my home and I know first hand how devastating it can be. I also know that my daughter will ALWAYS have to deal with it, her entire life in some way, just as you will.
I love that you came to camp to train with Bob, John and I. I love that you came to race knowing how your year went and the weather threat. I love that you took on the day. I love that you were SMART and did the right thing on race day.
Just as those above have said, no shame for the DNF. It was the second highest dnf rate for that race EVER. You have learned from your day. Can't ask for much more than that.
Thank you for being our point man for food (damn, you have some serious skills), for forgiving me for eating at a chain en route home yesterday (LOL) , for the beanie that kept me in the game on race day, and well, for being you. Wether you race or not in 2019, plan on training camp again! xoxoxo
Jonathan, my Chattanooga Roomie!
Thanks for sharing your experience. A weaker person would not have shared. And, a weaker person may not have made the correct decision.
Ditto what JW and Trish posted. We are fortunate to have them on our Team.
I'm so glad you are battling with your struggles. Tri's appear to be a way for you to say: I am in control, I am doing this!
What if's are a natural consequence of racing, especially after a disappointment. Learning from experience should be one of our goals in life.
Anytime you are in Southwest Ohio, let's ride!
Take care my friend.
Bob Hiller
Very candid of you to put this all forward. It's better to talk things through than wallow in misery!
I too have DNF'd, IM coeur d'alene back in 2009 (due to hypothermia) and Texas/Galveston 70.3 in 2017 (kicked in face/eye on swim and broke goggles).
My suggestion is to try and find something to focus on again - and that doesn't have to be another tri (or anything else physical, for that matter). I know that might sound counter-intuitive, but letting the mind linger too long on that DNF isn't going to help. That's just my $.02.
@Jonathan Brown sometimes sharing is more difficult than keeping quiet, it will help you learn and get past this little tiny bump in the road , so thanks so much for putting it out there.
@Jonathan Brown You didn't fail, you made a judgement call at the time that was in your best interest. There are so many wonderful insights we discover about ourselves when racing. You toed the line, that was courageous. Don't forget that.
Absolutely true, the NUMBER ONE goal of any bike ride is getting home safely. As others have noted, we're all very glad you had the capacity to call it quits when you did. I can't imagine how it must have felt (or, I guess, not felt) to see numb legs trying to pedal a bike.
, I've pulled myself from two IMS, once too cold, once too hot; been pulled from another, after getting 7% dehydrated on the first ten miles of the run; and DNS two others while laid up from bike accident. As Robin says, I always found a better result the next time around...
@Jonathan Brown
Thank you for sharing your report with us.
To call this a tough day is an understatement.
One thing I know, the more times I fail, the more I learn and the more I am able to move forward and progress. Key is to keep at it, learn from it, make progress next time over this time and never stop fighting.
Your experiences shared here motivate this team and make us all stronger.
Take a break, re-group, re-commit, make adjustments, and move to the next challenge. Along the way, you will find strength in supporting and motivating others as well, helping them to become better/stronger than that might otherwise be. This is a key factor in the secret sauce behind a 5X, division I winning team, the way we take care of each other along the way and make each other stronger as a result.
KMF!
@Jonathan Brown Thanks for writing up the race report. It was a tough day out there for sure. Remember your lessons learned as about not kicking yourself because it was not your day. You toed the lined and put in the best effort you could on that given day.