UPDATE!! I am alive :-)
GOOD MORNING MY AMAZING TEAMMATES!!!
Yes! I AM ALIVE!!! I want to start off by saying how much I have truly, TRULY missed all of you. I am starting to come out of my scary hole so I wanted to reach out and say I MISS YOU and here's where I've been!! This is a very vulnerable post...not easy for me to do....but thank you for being kind and listening. <3
So I am going to make this VERY long story...pretty short. In case you forgot (or didn't know) I had 2 major surgeries in May and June to replace my iliac arteries which suddenly closed due to an endofibroic reaction.
I was walking and getting back on my feet. The end of the August I was cleared to start coming back to activity. It was hard and painful but I was grateful and determined. I also went back to school around that time, which emotionally was very difficult. Being an elementary school teacher and not being on your top game (physically and mentally) was tough. I was also dealing with some PTSD...I left school he day I went into the hospital with less than 30% blood flow to my legs and no pulses in my feet...so as SOON as I walked back into the building, my legs felt the same crazy symptoms I had back in May... Crazy how powerful our minds are?? (my pulses were fine and the nephropathy I was dealing with was no different). Basically I had already been obsessed with checking my pulses in my feet many MANY times a day....and now it just got worse. But I kept positive and moving forward....
Then I got the call about my dad....he was diagnosed with liver cancer while I was in hospital recoverying from surgery #2. They were starting treatments and staying positive.....then he had his first chemo treatment and things went south. I flew down to GA the 2nd week of school and visited him. They were hopeful that pausing the chemo and allowing him to recover would be ok. So I booked flights to go back at the end of the month. 3 days after I got home, the cancer metastasized to his lungs...and shortly after passed away. It was a blow and I was uncontrollably upset.
Grieving for my dad was so hard. And it put me into a tailspin and in a deep dark hole. I was scared of everything and was living in this sadness and fear DAILY. I ended up in the Emergency Room the day of my dad's funeral because the burning and distension in my abdomen had gotten so bad.... (a symptom I had been dealing with for months)
So that ER trip was for symptoms I had been dealing with in recovery....they did another CT scan (I had one in July to check on everything too) They came out and said "we found an aneurysm on your iliac artery. my reaction....IM SORRY WHAT?!?! My new artery??? What are you talking about...I am here for my abdomen!!! You can imagine what my resting heart rate shot up to...
They clouded the CT scan to my surgeons office and held me in the ER. Luckily he was on call and responded within hours. It was NOT an aneurysm... it's because the doctor reading the CT scan did not know what he was really looking at in terms of my vascular reconstruction. The new artery is "plugged" and would appear to be widened...but its not.
Anyways, the surgeon to calmed my nerves said we will track the MILD dilation they saw via ultrasound... and I was in his office 3 days later getting an ultrasound of ALL my arteries and flow starting from the aorta to my feet. Everything looked good. My bloodflow as stronger than it was in July!! WOOHOO!!! That was exciting news.
But damage to my mental game was done...
I was scared....constantly fearing everything.... and very VERY open to suggestion (as my husband would say)...in other words....when people who were caring and just trying to look out said...take it easy Laura or rest Laura or don't do too much Laura.... I would freak, analyze and say omg I did too much....or I broke myself.... It was a BAD BAD cycle..
October was ROUGH.. my abdomen was still destending and having all these issues...but it seemed from all the scans it was not my surgery....fast foward I ended up at a GI specialist....since all my CT scans starting in July showed that my bowel was ALWAYS completely full....
Okay so more tests...more things... and ta-da... they found I have SIBO (small intestine bacterial overgrowth) from this breath test they had me do..... basically from trauma when they moved my bowel during surgery and the antibiotics I was on post surgery #2....
So currently trying to treat that.... antibiotics made my distention worse.... they sent me for a CT scan this past Monday to see what is going on....nothing showed, but still full. Starting new treatments from my gut...and hoping that it helps.. But dealing with the gut issue does not help my mind because I constantly CONSTANTLY think its my surgery...something is wrong with the healing.... ect ect ect.
SOOOOOO here's what we got. I mean overall. My surgeon and his team have looked at so many scans and tests and me and tell me I am good!! I need to not throw in the towel...I need to keep plugging on and I need my team to tell me to keep going and i've got this!!! I need someone to shout out and say YOU ARE COMING BACK!! You are STRONG you are OK!!!!
I love you all!!!
Comments
@Laura Becker First, I am so sorry about your Dad. That is such a tragic blow. Allow your grief.
Second, YOU ARE COMING BACK! YOU ARE STRONG! YOU ARE OK! I’m not going to offer any advice, because your doctors are actually there and seeing you inside and out, so, LISTEN TO THEM and HAVE FAITH! I would recommend a book that might help—I’ve gleaned so much from it in terms of understanding how the brain works when it comes to unwanted thoughts and feelings:
The Brave Athlete: Calm the F*ck Down (and rise to the occasion), by Simon Marshall and Leslie Paterson. My copy is heavily sticky-ed and highlighted. Made me feel so much better to read.
Keep us posted.
@Laura Becker Sometimes the SIBO test can come back false positive. Basically bacteria that should be in the large intestine migrated into the Small Intestine. It's a tough one to treat but can be treated. Has your provider started you on a low FODMAP diet? This is where you need to start. Were you on Rifaximin?
Here is a fantastic resource s for you: https://www.siboinfo.com/
Keep in mind STRESS is a major player in SIBO. Gut - brain talk to each other.
When you're ready to go on a probiotic this one is good for SIBO because it's a spore based probiotic. https://microbiomelabs.com/products/megasporebiotic/
You are going to be just fine. Patience and KMF.
@Laura Becker Sorry for your loss of your dad. You really sound out of your norm but you have been dealing with a ton. The book @Alicia Chase recommended is excellent. It's on my list to read again.
It seems like your docs have confidence in your situation and now they know what's going on in your gut they can get that straightened out as well. Stay active and start making those signs again that you had in your hospital room again.
Get back on the group me to hear others console each other from their recent elective surgeries and comment on there tiny scars.
Wow, you have my sympathy for a very rough year. But the docs are telling you are good to go, so it's time to get back on the training bandwagon. So yeah, you are going to come back, because you are STRONG, and you've got this. Here's to an outstanding 2019!! Grab the reigns and start running.
@Laura Becker So sorry for your loss and everything you've dealt with in 2018. Your story and how you continue to take things one step and one day at a time is very inspirational and a huge motivator for those of us who tend to take things like our health and our loved ones for granted.
I remember your spectating at IMMT this year. Thank you for the pics and I hope to race that venue again (hopefully along with you and the team) in the future.
While @Sheila Leard is most definitely the expect at diet, etc., I've found the following natural remedy / over the counter to be quite helpful with the gut symptoms you describe. Would definitely talk to my gastro doc first, but thought I'd pass this gastro developed product along.
https://atrantil.com/
@Laura Becker I'm sorry for the loss of your dad.
It have been a very difficult year but reaching out for support from the team is a good way to help build some confidence. I think you are past the coming back, you are back. Now it might take some time to get that fitness level up but being here makes you back in my book.
@Laura Becker Wow- You are one tough BadAss. And I am not kidding when I say that! The mental and physical BadAssery is off the charts.
Sit back and think (I am sure you have) of what you have overcome. There is nothing that you cannot do.
YOU ARE BACK!!! Take shit from no one, especially the negative self talk. Keep the BadAssery rolling!
@Laura Becker Boy you have been on one dizzying merry-go-round ride this year. The key thing in all this, as so many others have noted, is that you must have confidence that your arteries, both the "new" ones and all the other ones, are not going to betray you. It's OK to get back on the run/bike horse and let them carry blood, just like they're supposed to.
Doing that I'm sure will put you in a better head space. That, plus your innate upbeat outlook on life, will eventually get your GI micro-biome in line. They don't stand a chance against the power of your positive thinking.
yikes! hope this year becomes like a memory that fades in the rear view mirror!
Holy cow @Laura Becker what an emotional roller coaster. I'm so sorry for your loss and all the issues your are going through medically. I'm really glad that at least your blood flow is better, and that you don't have aneurysms!
I wish you well moving forward and tackling the SIBO!
This is why I just LOVE THIS TEAM!!! Thank you all for chiming in and shout outs. I appreciate your thoughts more than you know. @Alicia Chase I ordered the book and will be getting it in soon. That should help! @Sheila Leard I have been on that site like daily!! It's so hard to follow that diet as a vegan- they took out all my staples- but I am doing it!! They had put me on doxycycline and I am not sure why not Rifaximin which I am going to ask at my appointment this week. I hope to start probiotics soon because I really need to fix this ecosystem! THank you for your info :) @Robert Sabo I really SHOULD DO those signs again. It's funny- as soon as I read that I thought "damn I was more positive lying in that hospital bed than I am now!!" I will get back on group me too! Time to come out of this little hole. @Paul Hough HELL YEAH!! @2019 HAS GOT TO BE BETTER!!! Thank you :-) @Tony Ledden thank you for your kind words <3 and YES IMMT was amazing!! AND they transfered me to next year.... Thats my goal and dream!!! At least move in that direction ;) @Gordon Cherwoniak Thank you thank you :) Asking for support is not my forte but I am SOOO APPRECIATIVE OF IT!! @Al Truscott YOU DA MAN! Thank you!! I need to start trusting and stop freaking. @Patricia Rosen Thank you :) @Jeff Horn it feels like just yesterday we were talking about WTF is going on haha. My case was just a keynote as the VEITHsymposium in NYC a few weeks go---- and it was published in the journal of vascular surgery in the November edition. If you get any of those things! Thanks for your support.
Again thank you all for your support!!! Reading this LITERALLY JUST MADE MY MONTH!!!
One foot in front of the other.
*** @Patrick Large YESSS!!! I wish I did that easier- but i need to shed the negativity . And thank you for saying that!!! I WILL BE A BADASS AGAIN!!!! I'm just a different kind of badass right now ;)
@Laura Becker what a tough year. Sorry about your dad.
Recovery is a long road and you are already tackling it like a champ. Your body is ahead of your mental game right now, all you need to do is take it day by day and build that confidence back up again.
Every day is a small victory, every workout will get you one step ahead and in no time this will be a distant memory.
@Laura Becker is this you? You are so famous.
https://www.jvascsurg.org/article/S0741-5214(18)31938-4/fulltext
@Laura Becker you are so full of shit! (See what I did there? You are belly laughing right now right????)
Like all above, I don't have any magical advice. I'd be so deep in empty chip bags and reeses wrappers if I'd had to go through what you have I would drown. I *may* be an emotional eater. ;)
You are smart and determined and as this thread boasts...still here! ALIVE! Keep working your plan, never stop looking for the next thing to help you and know daily you are making a difference. It WILL add up. Just like all we do to get prepared for our IM's It all adds up.
Proud of you for your fight. Proud of you for reaching out. Thankful for all the smiles and support you gave us all racing IMLP in 2017.
You got this girl.
@Laura Becker - man, we missed you so much. glad you had your time, and that you are back. we're ready to watch and help you grower even stronger every day!!!! 💪
so much love,
~ Coach P