Jens Voight
Jens Voigt doesn’t read books. He simply attacks until the books relent and tell him everything he wants to know.
Waldo can’t be found because Jens dropped him on a hill training ride… on K2.
Jens doesn’t spin or mash the pedals… he kicks them into submission.
Jens Voigt puts the “laughter” in “Manslaughter.”
Jens Voigt climbs so well for a big guy because he doesn’t actually climb hills; the hills slink into the earth in fear as they see him approach.
If you are a UCI ProTour rider and you Google “Jens Voigt,” the only result you get is “it’s not to late to take up kickball, Fred.”
Jens was a math prodigy in elementary school, putting “Attack!” in every blank space on all his tests. It would be the wrong answer for everybody else, but Jens is able to solve any problem by attacking.
Jens’ testicles are bald because hair does not grow on a mixture of titanium, brass, steel, and cold, hard granite.
Eddy Merckx was actually a neo-pro at the same time as Jens, but Jens dropped him so hard that he shot backwards in time to the 1960′s, where he became a great champion.
Jens once had a heart attack on the Tourmalet. Jens counterattacked repeatedly until he kicked its ass.
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick… and Jens still drove him to quit racing bikes and become an ice dancing commentator on Lifetime.
If Jens Voigt was a country, his principle exports would be Pain, Suffering, and Agony.
If Jens Voigt was a planet, he’d be the World of Hurt.
Jens Voigt doesn’t know where you live, but he knows exactly where you will die.
Jens Voigt doesn’t have a shadow because he dropped it repeatedly until it retired, climbing into the CSC team car and claiming a stomach ailment.
Jens Voigt once challenged Lance Armstrong to a “who has more testicles” contest. Jens won… by five.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jens Voigt jumps out and attacks.
You are what you eat. Jens Voigt eats spring steel for breakfast, fire for lunch, and a mixture of titanium and carbon fiber for dinner. For between-meal snacks he eats men’s souls, and downs it with a tall cool glass of The Milk of Human Suffering.
Jens Voigt believes it’s not butter.
Jens Voigt can eat just one.
The first time man split the atom was when the atom tried to hold Jens Voigt’s wheel, but cracked.
Jens Voigt doesn’t complain about what suffering does to him… but suffering constantly complains about getting picked on by Jens Voigt.
Jens Voigt can start a fire by rubbing two mud puddles together.
Guns kill a couple dozen people every day. Jens Voigt kills 150.
Jens’s tears are so tough they could be the world heavyweight mixed-martial arts champion. Too bad Jens never cries.
Jens Voigt rides so fast during attacks, that he could circle the globe, hold his own wheel, and ride in his own draft. At least as long as he didn’t try to drop himself.
Jens Voigt nullified the periodic table because he doesn’t believe in any element, other than the element of surprise.
The grass is always greener on the other side. Unless Jens Voigt has been riding on the other side in which case it’s white with the salty, dried tears of all the riders whose souls he has crushed.
Comments
Seriously, I've never seen anything like that - not just his pace and his face (!) but when he cracked, it's like he almost fell over, he stopped so suddenly (what us oldsters call "doing an Arte Johnson")
The AP and NYT labeled this as a picture of Schleck and Contador on stage 9:
Jens is THE man. Even if Andy is my Tour BF.
When asked what he does when his legs are screaming, he said, "I say to them, legs, shut up! Then I pray they listen.'" I will put that to use on my long ride this weekend in the mountains of Maine.
I always thought Jens was the man but after watching that stage it brought it to another level. Like Al said though when he stopped he stopped.
Jens Voight puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Oh, snap!
I may have to switch protour boyfriends.
Jens is a Super Hero. I can't believe we got so close to him at TOC. Totally cool!
I heart Jens.
OK, I know, I'm a groupie, but you gotta check on the vids on this website:
http://www.team-saxobank.com/ny_index.asp
Check out the one called "A perfect tactics Meeting", it's a vid of the pre-race meeting for the Saxo team before Stage 9 and Jens talking about how he knew the job would fall to him to be in the break away. Very cool.
And then, be sure to watch "Jokes & Fun on a restday", it's hysterical!
Love this video from last year" More is better"
He had me at ... More coffee is better
http://www.podiumcafe.com/2009/5/29...ea-for-the
Perhaps I will make a sign at Lake Placid that says "Legs, Shut Up"
And if you do- bring it to Moo for us too! I love the "More is Better" vid too.