I suggested a forum or support group for our significant others... and that suggestion has taken root and grown into something a bit different... By way of background, as some of you know, this is my first year with EN and I'm training for my first IM... which will be in about 4 weeks (IMFL). My beau has been a super trooper this past year, but I don't think I'm going out on a limb by saying that this whole experience has been far from easy for him... dealing with my crazy schedule, interval rides and runs... you name it and he scoffs, wonders, asks, ridicules... the gamut.
I've been very lucky to have the support of the ladies in the house to help me through my experience (and offer advice on how to deal with Dan before I drive him crazy or let him drive me crazy)... but I figure that all of our SOs go through this to some degree. Some probably cope better than others. Some have probably been an "EN spouse" for a while and have just accepted this as part of normal life... I was thinking those veteran spouses might have advice for the new EN SOs, and we, as the EN athletes, might be able to help them understand...
Since a forum can't happen... I jokingly suggested a "married to EN" handbook for our SOs. The coaches think it's cool... so, here's what the mice spinning on the wheel in my head have come up with.
A: Get SO feedback:
(1) ask your SO to submit a question or two about us, our ways, etc (why the heck do you...);
(2) ask your SO identify one or two of their biggest annoyances wrt EN training (it really bugs me when ...); and
(3) for the veteran spouses, ask them to note their best coping mechanism/offer advice for how they get through and/or deal with us when we're in ON time, or just in general after we're in SAU deficit.
as far as numbers 1 and 2, I'm thinking I'll need a "committee" to draft responses and put it in a Q&A type format - all anonymous of course, maybe ensuring we have a male and female perspective in the answer... maybe even an IM and HIM trainee perspective...
B: Get EN athlete feedback --
my thinking is it's not always easy for us to actually tell someone we love to just back off...
(1) what not to say or do or ask, ever and specifically during ON time or during race week (why are you X, are you sure you need to Y)
(2) why what they say/do drives us nuts
(3) general - this is what EN is and by loving me, you're stuck with it now...
4) what we want our SOs to know about the training, the program, why we do what we do, why endurance sports are important to us, that we still love them...
What do you think? If I/we try to make this happen, I'll probably set up a new email address or something to keep all of this together (and not crowd out the forum... besides, I'll want the content and finished product to be a surprise). If your SOs really want this to be anonymous, you can give them that email address or even my mailing address to them... more on that later, assuming this takes off.
Also I'd be looking for volunteers to draft responses!
Comments
Thinking about this and don't know what to say yet. I dunno, dunno, dunno--my knee-jerk reaction is that it is unnecessary--sorry to disagree with Rich and others. If Ironman is that bad on your SO, I doubt reading what anyone has to say will make a difference. Plus, to go deep into this issue--and not keep it on a level that is superficial and funny--is certainly beyond the scope of EN, IMO.
I'm willing to let my mind be changed, but that's my initial gut feeling.(It's such a good feeling being a wet blanket.
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I think my reaction is the same as Linda's. On the bright side you can tell him that you will likely not be as annoying while training for your second one than you have been this time around. Seems like a lot of the manicness [I realize that is not a word] goes away after the first time is over. Good luck, or wish him luck for when taper madness sets in
HA! Teresa Ancona just posted this on FB! How to Date an Endurance Athlete. Theresa is telepathic.
There was an article in Triathlete magazine in 2003 that was written by a non athlete spouse. It was soooo good and struck a chord with me. In the end, the spouse travels the journey with you. My husband had done IMWI that year and I have told this story to many people but on the run, at one point, this woman was screaming at him that he was her hero. He stopped (obviously not worried about finish time) and told her, "Look, I'm not anyone's hero, the kid who had his a$$ shot off in Iraq is a hero, I'm just a father who spent the past year neglecting his family to train for an Ironman. I'm no hero!" Pretty harsh but kind of true but we signed up for the journey too. He didn't do this without our blessing. HOWEVER, his family was happy to make the sacrifice to get him to the finish line and truly, like the woman who wrote the article, when I heard the words, "Archie Woodworth, you are an Ironman!" I felt part of that, like I had helped to make those words possible. We all sacrifice to be in relationships, some more than others and some more than any human should but to sacrifice for another's dream is just a great feeling.
This will be fun Becky! Can't wait to read it.
Totally agree. We could air out spousal problems about ANYTHING: involvement in Fantasy Football, inability to put dirty clothes in hampers, penchant for not closing lids tightly, addiction to video games such as Plants vs. Zombies. Of course, if the intent is for superficial and funny (and not full on couples counseling on an internet forum) then I'm all in.
okay.
I do hope i'm not such a nut job next year, but my thinking this could help EN SOs generally, particularly for those members who are training for their first long course events - as the game has totally changed from sprint or OLY training.
I really wasn't thinking that it would try to be funny. I'm sure there would be anecdotes that are funny but that wasn't my goal. I've read Trizophrenia and seen the other books, and they're cute and do hit home... but that's not what I envisioned. This is real life, we have real conflicts with our loved ones... and they don't have any avenue to ask questions or vent (except to us... and we're not always rational or level headed when they do since this is personal). I wanted them to know that they're not alone, others have been through this, and to take comfort from that fact while possibly learning from those who have been there. We have the forums to ask each other questions about x,y,z and get advice, including dealing with a SO. Our SOs don't and I thought they'd benefit from something along those lines. Coaches said they can't add a spouse forum - so a written handbook got bandied about... my thinking was that to make such a handbook I'd need input (questions, advice) ... But if the consensus is that our SOs wouldn't look at it or want to look at it or there's no underlying need ... then that's what really matters.
Hm. I'm so not a WSM in this field, but we could go on a whole thread about how to share important, big stuff (I repeat something Linda said about a house rule where there can only be one diva all the time.), but there are some EN/Ironman culture specific stuff that could be beautifully handled with a little fun, play and humor -- Ironman is a game, after all. Maybe we could tap into those?
1. Your wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend does not have imaginary friends. Nemo is real.
2. In this team, our DHs and sherpas are part of the crew, too. And we know it, and love and appreciate them. You want to be part of Team Pink Speedo -- because sherpaing alone isn't nearly as fun as being sherpa with a big group.
3. Something about how one of the most beautiful things in the world to see are all these Ironman not quitting at the hard part. Race day is the party; but I think we all become Ironmen about four or five weeks from race day, when we are absolutely straining and stuffing every last bit of fitness we can into our bodies and then still go to work and get our butts on date night and to salsa class.
4. In how many relationships to you get to practice stress? I'm guessing it makes life a lot easier to deal with when something unexpectedly bad happens. Race execution has to translate to life execution.
Or, maybe more of a guide to remembering we are awesome instead of a guide to deal with us when we suck?
As I think about this more...
Back in the day I had a first wife. She was with me through my Marine days, where I was basically gone 2.5-3yrs out of 5. By the time I picked up triathlon near the end of my tour, things were on the skids. Then we moved from SD to LA, I registered for IMFL and I was a nut. This was before any locals had really done IM's, no forums (or at least I didn't look for any) with people talking about how to train for IM's, etc.
Things just worse and, while I don't think anything I could have done would have made a difference or improved things, it probably would have helped if a group of people (EN) had smacked me in the head and told me to friggin' relax, it's just a game. Then I started a coaching biz, got laid off from my real job, etc. Basically, there was about a 2.5-3yr period of my life where triathlon was pretty much all I thought about, both as a sport/hobby, and I gotta get this thing off the ground to pay my nut.
I'm pretty sure that if I had handed her a fancy .pdf...it wouldn't have made any difference at all. I think the better strategy is to come to us and we'll tell you how to fake the funk like you're not really thinking IM 24/7 when in fact you are.
Basically, welcome to your first Ironman
. This is just how it is. With my Marriage Counsellor hat on (scary, that) I would remind you:
The time and focus required for IM training can take a HUGE toll on the time/focus you're able to apply to a spouse. This is why, in my experience, most real world peeps in even the most supportive relationships can only maintain/should maintain an IM racing focus for 2-3yrs. After that it just becomes too tough and it's probably time to move on.
The HIM distance is much more "healthy" for us, I think.
The other issues is fitness = my lifestyle and it does great things for me. That fitness requires me to punch the clock on the road 4-10hrs per week average. I will find and acquire new friends who share this lifestyle fitness ethos.
If you have an SO who doesn't understand that, or resents it, and/or doesnt' accept the benefits of that as just being part of who you are, then you have problems beyond those caused by a tempory focus on just one race.
Again....marriage counselor I am NOT, just a guy who's been around the block and seen some stuff.
Been with EN since the beginning. Joe barely knows what goes on here. Frankly, he's just not interested (sorry- I know we rock, but, uh, we don't surf or hangglide, so he doesn't really care if Linda got a new FTP or if Matt just won a Kona slot). I selectively share stuff I think he'll find funny (Steve Ford and Joe would be BFFs if they ever met) or stuff that really hits me hard (like Al and Trent). Probably the best way for Joe to finally "get it" was coming to Madison and hanging out with the team. TOC will be even better :-)
Anyway, some SO's really dig the whole IM scene. Some don't. You gotta know which one you got and you've gotta be the one to adjust to that reality.
Totally- couldn't agree more. The Boyle's and the K's (as in Kitima and Kevin) are an IM household. Most of the rest of us, not so much.
Which is why IM is an every other year thing for us. This year was my turn to be diva. Next year is Max's turn. As such we are going scuba diving a lot. Yes, it's nice for him that I have totally gotten into his favorite hobby, but I also try to encourage him to go without me (places that are too cold for me to dive, like the Galapagos). He gets more vacation time, he could.
Point being- communication is key. And as Rich said, learning to fake that you are not all IM 24/7 is an important skill that we need to learn. Not just for our spouse's sake, but co-workers as well. You probably can't for your first IM, but next one, you won't be wound so tight.
It is adjustment for everyone.
awesome stuff here... not what I intended to draw out per se...but I think exactly what will help (me and others...)!
Successful endurance racing takes understanding what your race requires, work, forethought, planning,and commitment. Same goes for a successful relationship. For me, part of what works is knowing that Brian enjoys being able to do stuff with him and constantly training and focusing on race shenanigans (which in a lot of cases is what it is) takes me away from him...a lot. So I know that it is important that I arrange my training time to support that. Doing so requires me to know in advance what sort of things he's thinking about doing and might want to have me around for on a weekend, say, by Monday or Tuesday so that I know how to arrange the training around that. Is it tiring, yes. Is it perfect all the time, heck no! (we've had our low points in the midst of what I call my "Ironman Heart of Darkness" periods during training). I also have learned to feel good about choosing to not do some things in favor of "us" time. Taking a few months off every year in which there is 0 talk or whatever about training and racing is good for both of us. Training and racing, particularly the drama associated with both just isn't that important to be a constant focus. He knows that I'm still here and that I'm equally committed to keeping our relationship alive as my endurance racing alive. Something must be working because he's now brings up things like "when are you doing Ironman again so you can erase your crappy time from St. George," and "maybe you should do the same course two years in a row so you can go for a true PR." I think the only reason he's there is because he's starting to see that I am HERE WITH him for non-racing stuff too.
Rambling at this point...I don't know that a "user manual" is necessarily be the answer, maybe just more of a personal "management philosophy" is what's required. One that considers the SOs needs as well as our own selfish triathlete ones and think of what we can do to help fill the gap we can create in our shared lives could go a long way.
I think some sort of thing for SOs could be helpful particularly around race day logistics. While the athletes are racing, your SO/family have to keep themselves entertained for hours while trying find you. I get really stressed trying to find John. It can be a lot harder to spot your racer than you think. I would cover understanding the race course, finding good spots to watch, etc.
1) SAUs are not just for the out season. They must be earned year-round. I focus a lot of SAUs in the winter, but also heavy right before a 12 wk spin-up and right after.
2) Dinner out every Saturday night during the 12 week build...doesn't matter how tired you are.
3) Out-of-state racing in the summer should include vacation time. Don't just go to the race, do the IM, and go home. We go early and stay beyond to see the sites. It's tough trudging around doing the tourist thing after an IM, but that's part of the deal.
4) Involve the SO in race selection when going out of town. My wife is definitely more interested in travel to some places than others. I want to get to Kona badly and she could not care less about going to Hawaii, but will put up with it once or twice (assuming I make it). Conversely, just about anywere out of country would get me max points.
Now, I posed the questions to Karen and here's the unvarnished "SO Feedback" followed by my comments--
(1) Submit a question or two: "I don't have any questions. We've been doing this for a few years now. I just go with the flow." Paul: Karen is a great Iron Sherpa. She did add that a list of acronyms might help. I.e., when I first started telling her I was going for an ABP ride, she was all WTF?
(2) Identify one or two biggest annoyance wrt EN training (it really bugs me when ...): " It really bugs me when my triathlete is too tired for sex more than once a week in the month preceeding Ironman!" Paul - Ow, that hurt! However, she admits that I'm doing much better on the current cycle since I've been emphasizing more rest.
(3) Note their best coping mechanism for how they get through and/or deal with us when we're in ON time - to help other SOs. "I am there at the finish line...or as close to it as possible for when he crosses over. I wear a Timex "Ironman" watch that has a built in stop watch. When they fire the cannon for the swim, I hit start, and keep it on until he crosses the finish line. My husband is usually an exhausted, sweaty mess, (aka: road kill) and I am just so glad to see him, I usually cry. I have made a note to make sure I have an ice cold diet coke on hand, because that is "nectar of the gods" for him, and I am there to help him walk around for the next 15-20 minutes to help his recovery after the marathon. If he sits down too soon, he will get the most awful cramps in his feet and legs. So....cold diet coke, lots of walking and then head over to the bag area to get the stuff from transition/special needs/morning bag....by then he is feeling more human and we are ready to drive over to McDonalds, where for the first time in 12 to 16 weeks, he will consume a Big Mac/large fries and large chocolate milkshake as PART of his recovery." Paul - that's not much of coping mechanism, just shows how supportive she is. Before race day, I point out places for her to kill time during the race and decide on a spot where she'll be watching. So when I come by each time, I can smile at her and let her know how I'm doing. Not having to go to the medical tent is the best thing I can do for her, and I try not to show if I'm hurting, but she can tell whether I'm in trouble or not.