Very true. But that Waxman guy is a jerk. He needs to convert to EN and learn how to earn SAUs.
Just this morning, I got up extra early, did the bike, skipped the run, showered and went back to bed to snuggle with DH as he is leaving town today. I still made it to work on time and we had quality time before being apart for a week. I'll do the run tonight on the TM, in between shoveling out from under all the snow- again.
Just read this article. I have never understood when friends of ours, who's spouse is not into triathlon state how lucky we are to both be in the sport together. I say yes to that, but.......it still takes work. Although this waxman guy seems like he is a bit selfish, at least he does make some efforts like Friday night dinner (should be every night, but maybe he needs to work late hours to support the lifestyle they were accustom to before he took up the sport) and the Sat night date with his wife. Many of us do not do that. I have mixed opinions on this one.
Selfish for sure. Too bad for her. I get a lot of resentment in my marriage because of training too but I'm always here for dinner (I make it), never miss putting the kids to bed, never miss making breakfast or eating breakfast with them, and do my workouts during naps on the weekends and at night when everyone is asleep. Still, I cant get my wife to believe in the SAU's... she just thinks I need to be around 100% of the time. For example, there will be times in the summer when we want to go to a fair or a friend's house out of town, and I ride there on the bike instead of the car and I get heat for that. Luckily for me I am able to remind her from time to time that she leaves before I do in the morning, and gets home at least an hour after I do each day as well as taking the kids out most of the time in the winter, clean the house, grocery shop, and cook!!! But all is good. I think it would be easier for some if they had interests in things too... my wife is all about work, and doing what's best for the kids. No going out with friends, exercising, or hobbies, so for her, I think its hard to imagine other's wanting to do things outside the family and resents it. But I told her as long as I'm doing it on my time 99% of the time, why not? We actually do have plenty of time together, she is so tired from work and life that she hits the sack as soon as the kids do... so I see that as her time and she's doing what she wants. The family has yet to miss a race, and yet to not enjoy it either so once a year she sees the good in it!!! Good read, just a shame. We all certainly miss our fair share of workouts because want to be with our families, this guy doesn't seem to want to be with them. Life's tough!
One of my local training partners (on the mend after a bad crash involving a near-headon with a car on a mtn road, broken clavicle and jacked back) sent this to me and a couple other guys. My notes:
My training time is a complete non-issue with Joanne. I'm pretty fortunate in that regard, but then again we just spent nearly every minute of an entire month together and the boyz have no sense of time..
Probably cost me/didn't help me at all with my first marriage. I was a knucklehead with my training but by that time it was the last straw.
Patrick is going to write a blog post tomorrow about this article.
I've made some notes, for the rewrite of our '11 plans to create the '12 versions, to drop the HIM and IM training volumes a bit, pay attention to the weekly hours we schedule, then be more explicit on our store pages of exactly what volumes people can expect with our plans: average of X, min of y, max of Z.
Seriously thinking of sending this guy a free training plan or an invite to the team, though he doesn't appear to need anything free. Just that his story is one of thousands and thousands similar to it...but I have no sympathy. Up to him if he wants to be jackass with his training time and family.
Has anyone done any CSI work to see what kind of results this guy has gotten with his training time and lifestyle compromises?
I don't understand a guy who chooses not to be with his kids- especially at those ages. If it weren't tri, it would be something else. Dude sounds like a raging narcissist. Or schmuck, whatever...
For those who are interested, these are the results that come up for his name on athlinks: Race Age Date Time
2010
Aquarium 5K and 1Mile 2010 45 NY 8/07 1:23:39 2009
Ironman Arizona ~ 2009 45 AZ 11/22 10:48:28 2008
Ironman Uk 2008 40 DOR 9/07 11:13:23 Ironman Uk 2008 40 SOM 9/07 11:13:23 2008 Ironman 70.3 Rhode Island 43 RI 7/13 4:54:11 New Jersey Devilman Triathlon 2008 40 NJ 5/04 4:49:39 2007
2007 Ford Ironman World Championship 40 HI 10/13 11:27:32 Nautica New York City Triathlon 2007 43 NY 7/22 2:18:38 Musselman Triathlon 2007 40 NY 7/15 5:05:45 2006
Nautica New York City Triathlon 2006 42 NY 7/16 2:19:33 Napa Valley Half-Iron Triathlon™ – 2Nd Annual 41 CA 5/06 5:50:42 2005
2005 Little Red Lighthouse Swim 41 NY 8/20 1:36:19 2001
One workout didn't eat this guys marriage. It was a string of them thrown together in a selfish manner. Reading the article my thoughts were "if it wasn't triathlon, it woulda just been something else". Rich, I don't think the dude needs a better training plan, he needs a better attitude.
No matter how you slice it, even with all the best EN ROI you can gather, training for an Ironman takes a significant slice of your "free" time. Unless you are training side by side with your partner, by definition that means it's gonna be a selfish persuit. Even getting up to do the workout at 5:00am while honey sleeps- something had to give so you could get up at that hour to get it done. Maybe you had to hit the hay before your Sig Other and so you lost time together the night before. Or maybe you are getting less sleep and so you are more cranky & less frisky. In the end, something has to give.
But all of this doesn't mean you need to be an ass about it. It means you have to work just that much harder to try and balance the scales with your partner. The same can likely be said about almost any other "extra curricular activity" that folks get involved with. How many men (or women) spend 4+ hours on the golf course on the weekend with their buddies while their S.O is left at home? Or maybe the S.O comes along to drive the cart but would rather be somewhere else.
BOTH people have to be willing to work on figuring out the balance or someone is gonna end up unhappy.
Joe loves to hang glide. That's an all day event. Drive to a mountain, sit on top for hours waiting for the wind to blow just right, and he MIGHT be able to take off. My reward is to drive to the bottom of the mountain and pick him up a few hours later. Sure- fun if you are into it, but I've done my fair share of Hang Driving and, well, it gets old fast. I used to resent his hobby and felt frustrated because if I wanted to spend time with him, it meant I had to suck it up and do something I found boring. Eventually I got into endurance sports. Now- if he wants me to come hang gliding with him, either the bike or my running shoes are tossed into the car alongside everything else.
This guy is a total clown. I'm sure he and his family could benefit from the EN training philosophy but I wouldn't want him here. He's a selfish jerk. I doubt he feels much guilt from not being around his family so much.
@Rich, this guy strikes me as the type who would turn his nose up at you giving him a plan. He has it all figured out you know. I've worked with countless guys like him on Wall St.
I make every effort not to be like this guy. One difference I have is that i work at night, and take care of my younger daughter before going to work. So I actually spend more time with her than my wife does since she works as well. I also spend all Friday with my daughters. I make it a point to be home every Friday and Saturday night, with a random night out with the guys for beers, because that it the only time the whole family is together. We are going to have a rule where I need to be home by noon Saturday and Sunday by noon when IM training kicks up. May have to be tweaked for say the BIG DAY or a RR but I think it will really help keep my wife from getting too upset with me.
It comes down to one word in my opinion "Respect" he doesn't have it for his wife and kids it appears. I respect my wife and her opinons and thoughts so if she tells me to be home so I can help or just be with her and the kids then guess what, I am there.
Funny - there's a lot of this issue floating around the internets these days:
Joe Friel blog post. That hit home to me, when he said many men wait until their 50s to have their athletic career; I didn't start triathlons (or even running) until after I ended a very high powered job I had from age 34-49.
My wife of 30+ years sent me today this quiz from the NY Times ... is she trying to tell me something?
Regarding this guy's bone fides: in addition to swimming the Channel, he did 11:27 or so at Kona in 07 ... so he's not simply a poser, even if he is unbalanced.
GB Shaw- "Nothing great is accomplished by reasonable men."
Let's face it, it's rare to find high achievement and domestic balance in the same place, but it can be done. I react to this guy mostly because I believe what he's missing with his kids is too valuable to miss. Maybe he doesn't feel this way or maybe he feels he's not missing anything. I was a workaholic when my kids were the same ages but fortunate enough to live and work in a small town and logistically, no long commutes or travelling on business. I could still coach little league and ski with them and hang out, make every school event, etc, all the while working constantly. And my wife didn't work. Really, it was unusual and unique and I lucked out. It was like the Andy Griffith Show on crack. Work was my long course tri.
I still think he's bright enough to be more aware of his own narcissim. To say he's "selfish"- we're all selfish. This is past that. Lots of rationalization going on there. And he's got a good little enabler keeping the home fires burning.
This Waxman guy is distasteful, at best. He epitomizes the subject of last week's hot-button topic "Triathlon is a stupid sport." The biggest problem is his assertion (or perhaps that of the author) that his "drive" is what compels him to do it. I know people that are driven to succeed above and beyond what this guy does - and they spend their free time doing decidedly non-driven activities. His indignance and refusal to compromise further prove that he is this generation's version of the deadbeat dad. The 2 nights a week that he loans to his wife/kids hardly offset the 20+ hrs/wk that he spends satisfying himself.
For nearly all of us, sport is a recreational activity. We all have obligations that must be prioritized, and endurance sports usually aren't on the "drop everything and tend to me" list. When I first got into the sport, I tried the brute force method. I had workouts, and they were going to happen - no questions asked. Quality of life plummeted. Kids were neglected, wife was pissed, house was in disarray, etc. Needless to say, wife/kids/home won out over brute force.
Eventually, I realized that life was like a game of Tetris. Some pieces drop right into place, while other pieces don't seem to fit at all. Sometimes you can manipulate them to make them fit, but ultimately you have to make due with the pieces you're dealt and the puzzle you're presented. The sport will fit. It may not fit where or how you like, but life's circumstances are a boulder best left alone and not wrestled.
Eventually, I realized that life was like a game of Tetris. Some pieces drop right into place, while other pieces don't seem to fit at all. Sometimes you can manipulate them to make them fit, but ultimately you have to make due with the pieces you're dealt and the puzzle you're presented.
Justin- Thank you for these words. I actually really needed to hear them today for very non-triathlon reasons.
We are so fortunate to have smart, focused, passionate people here who love all aspects of their lives. On a personal level, it was when I got married and had kids and trained less that I got faster...so a big win for putting family first!
@Rich, I can contact this guy if you would like to offer him something like a trial or training plan. Not sure he would respond but you never know. Still think he's a douche but who knows, maybe he can be reformed like many others. Could be a big PR story if it worked out.
First of all, who cares if this guy goes 10 hours or 17? Who cares if he swam the EC and climbed Everest in the same day? Irrelevent.
My friend swims with him in masters in NYC for quite some time. She says he's a great guy in person, and that the story is hell-bent of presenting him in the article's particular slant. I can't comment on that, but I throw it out there. I'd be mortified if I were him.
If the article is accurate, then he is the poster child for obsession. His actions, I would argue, are no longer about "triathlon," but a shield based in some kind of insecurity and lack of complete identity. Don't care if he's a Wall St. gazillionaire, and if he wins Kona next year. The guy is hiding from himself and his family. He is a person hooked on the external validation of how impressed he THINKS everyone is with his accomplsihments. He needs to strut like a triathlon peacock for his own self worth. It's really an old, and not very unique story.
What worked for me....I ran marathons and HMs when the kids were little for the distance stuff. Stuck to sprint and Oly tris. That seemed enough time away. I know the children needed me, but I also needed them. My internal mommy-meter only liked being away from them for a certain amount of time. Once away too long, I felt like my heart was being ripped out, it would actually hurt. NOTHING I was doing when I got to that place was worth it, or more rewarding or fulfilling than being with them.
I was once on Oprah (1990, I think) as the person speaking to "extreme self-care." By that, I mean you do have to take care of yourself before you can be there for others. I believe that with all my heart, and training can be part of that. I am the best wife, mom, friend, professional in the place of balance. It would be hard to convince me that IMs year in and year out, year after year, in a family with little children is a place of balance. Especially training the high-volume way. That's a place of narcissim, obsession, need for external validation--or all combined.. We older folks who no longer have young families get more of a pass, but the balancing act with the spouse is still a major player in all this.
Eventually, I realized that life was like a game of Tetris. Some pieces drop right into place, while other pieces don't seem to fit at all. Sometimes you can manipulate them to make them fit, but ultimately you have to make due with the pieces you're dealt and the puzzle you're presented.
Justin- Thank you for these words. I actually really needed to hear them today for very non-triathlon reasons.
@ Nemo - Glad I could be of (admittedly inadvertent) assistance. I think that we (as a society) tend to complicate things too much, lamenting over how to "make" far too many things fit. The part you quoted is actually a tool I use during ultra running. You have to dig so deep in those races that every new condition or circumstance has to be managed efficiently so that you can move on. Ideally, you'd like to solve every problem 100%, but sometimes the 75% solution is the most effective way to keep moving forward.
I have to assume the story is a distortion of the reality on some level. Otherwise, how could the writer ever pitch an article to his editor (at the WSJ no less) about a guy who rides his bicycle in his basement 8 hours a week! The uninitiated would never understand.
Ditto to most of what has already been said. With a 50% success rate (or for you half-empty people 50% failure rate ), marriage as an institution is declining. Make no mistake, marriage is WORK. Successful marriages are not left to random chance. They are planned, organized, and worked on. Communication in my universe is very important. So is handling expectations. They should go hand in hand.
If you have been married for any length of time ( I have been married for over 20 years to my first trophy wife), you will be shaking your head up and down on this one: There are times when I think that my wife completes me, is my raison d'etre (reason for being), my soul mate that makes me complete. I could not imagine a world without her. Yet, 20 minutes later, I want to strangle her and cut her up into little pieces!
You are not the same person you were 1/5/10 years ago and neither is your significant other. They will be not be the same person in 1/5/10 years in the future. You must manage the growth/change of yourself along with your spouse. There is a delicate balance of the 2 people becoming one, yet maintaining your individual identities. Then to throw on children into the fray, the problems expand expotentially.
As far as triathlon being a "selfish" sport, it's the fable of the 5 blind men around an elephant. Yes it is, but no it isn't. When I excercise, my world is a better place. I have more energy, I can handle stress better, I am more productive. I truly enjoy my morning runs when the sun is rising and my dogs are running with me. That is my special time. I think everyone in EN knows what I am talking about. Other people that value health and excercise just "Get it". But the 2 pack a day smoker, who is morbidly obese, has diabetes and uses a motorized cart to go to WalMart reads a WSJ article and says all triathletes are selfish. I really can't control what other think, but I know that in this universe, one of the most powerful weapons is your thoughts. I would hypothesis that successful married people think about the person they fell in love with and continute to choose their thoughts that way. Marriages that have problems, I would propose think about how they want to change their spouse to be the ideal mate. And if you think that you can change another person............................
So I choose to be selfish and take care of myself first, so that I can take care of others and be a servant to my fellow man.
Dr Wayne Dyer once said "True nobility is not being better than anyone else. It is you being a better person today than you were yesterday."
For those who don't know him, Jim is the epitome of the unselfish triathlete, someone who through his sport, gives back so much more to the world. (I know Jim would never blow his own horn, so I'll do it for him.)
For those who don't know him, Jim is the epitome of the unselfish triathlete, someone who through his sport, gives back so much more to the world. (I know Jim would never blow his own horn, so I'll do it for him.)
If you have been married for any length of time ( I have been married for over 20 years to my first trophy wife), you will be shaking your head up and down on this one: There are times when I think that my wife completes me, is my raison d'etre (reason for being), my soul mate that makes me complete. I could not imagine a world without her. Yet, 20 minutes later, I want to strangle her and cut her up into little pieces!
@Linda - I like what you said about the mommy-meter. I watch my sister, with Ironman glint in her eye for someday, know it is just not the time to do it yet. Even though she's "only" doing marathons and olys now, she's one of the hardest training athletes I know. Bike workouts with the Burley trailer and Baby Gavin? Hard work! Marathon workouts on the dreadmill after the kids have gone to bed? I'm always amazed at how she makes it all fit.
Kids? Awesome. Love the people who know they are lucky to have them. One of my favorite moments of training last summer: My sister and Baby Gavin joined me for the seven-hour, Ironman Wisconsin race rehearsal. Jo did her workout (with Burley trailer/jogger) while I did mine. I stopped to change bottles at the car at the end of the first loop of the course and had the toddler run up and hug me with the biggest, most fantastic two year-old hug. Happiest second loop of a race rehearsal ever.
I'm in a new, baby relationship right now, and am finding it is really, really easy to get more efficient so there is time to hang out with new person. Saturday morning shopping, workout, and chores? Knock out the list and the go out and play. There's leaving work on time, so I can get home and knock out bike intervals before date night. Left all on my own, there's a lot more dawdling. I think when you really want to do something (triathlon) or see someone (your wife), you probably have no trouble making room in your life.
It just occurred to me that EN is really the Matrix movies. We have Neo ( I mean Nemo) and the Oracle (Al) All we need is Morpheus, Trinity and we are all set!! Thanks for the kind words Al, it seems like you are on the mend. I hope to have some news about IM AZ in the future.
I'm in a new, baby relationship right now, and am finding it is really, really easy to get more efficient so there is time to hang out with new person. Saturday morning shopping, workout, and chores? Knock out the list and the go out and play. There's leaving work on time, so I can get home and knock out bike intervals before date night. Left all on my own, there's a lot more dawdling. I think when you really want to do something (triathlon) or see someone (your wife), you probably have no trouble making room in your life.
I like your point about "being left to our own devices" and efficiency. Most days, I accomplish more in the 3-4 hours after work than I do in an entire weekend (if you ignore the relative workout durations). That little push in the back forces you to prioritize things and complete them accordingly.
It really speaks to the EN philosophy. When you break your time down into smaller pieces, you can focus your efforts on a task and justify operating at a greater intensity. When you have a huge time vacancy (as on weekends or vacation days) you want to seize the opportunity and fit in as much as possible. It's very open-ended, and makes it hard to focus your efforts on one small task. Let's face it, 3 hours at Z3 is way less painful than 2 x 20' intervals and 5 x 2.5's.
Comments
Just this morning, I got up extra early, did the bike, skipped the run, showered and went back to bed to snuggle with DH as he is leaving town today. I still made it to work on time and we had quality time before being apart for a week. I'll do the run tonight on the TM, in between shoveling out from under all the snow- again.
Good post Scott.
Selfish for sure. Too bad for her. I get a lot of resentment in my marriage because of training too but I'm always here for dinner (I make it), never miss putting the kids to bed, never miss making breakfast or eating breakfast with them, and do my workouts during naps on the weekends and at night when everyone is asleep. Still, I cant get my wife to believe in the SAU's... she just thinks I need to be around 100% of the time. For example, there will be times in the summer when we want to go to a fair or a friend's house out of town, and I ride there on the bike instead of the car and I get heat for that. Luckily for me I am able to remind her from time to time that she leaves before I do in the morning, and gets home at least an hour after I do each day as well as taking the kids out most of the time in the winter, clean the house, grocery shop, and cook!!! But all is good. I think it would be easier for some if they had interests in things too... my wife is all about work, and doing what's best for the kids. No going out with friends, exercising, or hobbies, so for her, I think its hard to imagine other's wanting to do things outside the family and resents it. But I told her as long as I'm doing it on my time 99% of the time, why not? We actually do have plenty of time together, she is so tired from work and life that she hits the sack as soon as the kids do... so I see that as her time and she's doing what she wants. The family has yet to miss a race, and yet to not enjoy it either so once a year she sees the good in it!!! Good read, just a shame. We all certainly miss our fair share of workouts because want to be with our families, this guy doesn't seem to want to be with them. Life's tough!
One of my local training partners (on the mend after a bad crash involving a near-headon with a car on a mtn road, broken clavicle and jacked back) sent this to me and a couple other guys. My notes:
Has anyone done any CSI work to see what kind of results this guy has gotten with his training time and lifestyle compromises?
If it weren't tri, it would be something else. Dude sounds like a raging narcissist. Or schmuck, whatever...
Looks like he did Kona in '07 in 11:27. IM UK in '08 in 11:13. Can't find any older results to see if/when/where he qualified.
Race Age Date Time
2010
Aquarium 5K and 1Mile 2010 45 NY 8/07 1:23:39
2009
Ironman Arizona ~ 2009 45 AZ 11/22 10:48:28
2008
Ironman Uk 2008 40 DOR 9/07 11:13:23
Ironman Uk 2008 40 SOM 9/07 11:13:23
2008 Ironman 70.3 Rhode Island 43 RI 7/13 4:54:11
New Jersey Devilman Triathlon 2008 40 NJ 5/04 4:49:39
2007
2007 Ford Ironman World Championship 40 HI 10/13 11:27:32
Nautica New York City Triathlon 2007 43 NY 7/22 2:18:38
Musselman Triathlon 2007 40 NY 7/15 5:05:45
2006
Nautica New York City Triathlon 2006 42 NY 7/16 2:19:33
Napa Valley Half-Iron Triathlon™ – 2Nd Annual 41 CA 5/06 5:50:42
2005
2005 Little Red Lighthouse Swim 41 NY 8/20 1:36:19
2001
New York City Triathlon 37 NY 8/12 2:17:39
No matter how you slice it, even with all the best EN ROI you can gather, training for an Ironman takes a significant slice of your "free" time. Unless you are training side by side with your partner, by definition that means it's gonna be a selfish persuit. Even getting up to do the workout at 5:00am while honey sleeps- something had to give so you could get up at that hour to get it done. Maybe you had to hit the hay before your Sig Other and so you lost time together the night before. Or maybe you are getting less sleep and so you are more cranky & less frisky. In the end, something has to give.
But all of this doesn't mean you need to be an ass about it. It means you have to work just that much harder to try and balance the scales with your partner. The same can likely be said about almost any other "extra curricular activity" that folks get involved with. How many men (or women) spend 4+ hours on the golf course on the weekend with their buddies while their S.O is left at home? Or maybe the S.O comes along to drive the cart but would rather be somewhere else.
BOTH people have to be willing to work on figuring out the balance or someone is gonna end up unhappy.
Joe loves to hang glide. That's an all day event. Drive to a mountain, sit on top for hours waiting for the wind to blow just right, and he MIGHT be able to take off. My reward is to drive to the bottom of the mountain and pick him up a few hours later. Sure- fun if you are into it, but I've done my fair share of Hang Driving and, well, it gets old fast. I used to resent his hobby and felt frustrated because if I wanted to spend time with him, it meant I had to suck it up and do something I found boring. Eventually I got into endurance sports. Now- if he wants me to come hang gliding with him, either the bike or my running shoes are tossed into the car alongside everything else.
@Rich, this guy strikes me as the type who would turn his nose up at you giving him a plan. He has it all figured out you know. I've worked with countless guys like him on Wall St.
I make every effort not to be like this guy. One difference I have is that i work at night, and take care of my younger daughter before going to work. So I actually spend more time with her than my wife does since she works as well. I also spend all Friday with my daughters. I make it a point to be home every Friday and Saturday night, with a random night out with the guys for beers, because that it the only time the whole family is together. We are going to have a rule where I need to be home by noon Saturday and Sunday by noon when IM training kicks up. May have to be tweaked for say the BIG DAY or a RR but I think it will really help keep my wife from getting too upset with me.
It comes down to one word in my opinion "Respect" he doesn't have it for his wife and kids it appears. I respect my wife and her opinons and thoughts so if she tells me to be home so I can help or just be with her and the kids then guess what, I am there.
Funny - there's a lot of this issue floating around the internets these days:
Joe Friel blog post. That hit home to me, when he said many men wait until their 50s to have their athletic career; I didn't start triathlons (or even running) until after I ended a very high powered job I had from age 34-49.
My wife of 30+ years sent me today this quiz from the NY Times ... is she trying to tell me something?
Regarding this guy's bone fides: in addition to swimming the Channel, he did 11:27 or so at Kona in 07 ... so he's not simply a poser, even if he is unbalanced.
GB Shaw- "Nothing great is accomplished by reasonable men."
Let's face it, it's rare to find high achievement and domestic balance in the same place, but it can be done. I react to this guy mostly because I believe what he's missing with his kids is too valuable to miss. Maybe he doesn't feel this way or maybe he feels he's not missing anything. I was a workaholic when my kids were the same ages but fortunate enough to live and work in a small town and logistically, no long commutes or travelling on business. I could still coach little league and ski with them and hang out, make every school event, etc, all the while working constantly. And my wife didn't work. Really, it was unusual and unique and I lucked out. It was like the Andy Griffith Show on crack. Work was my long course tri.
I still think he's bright enough to be more aware of his own narcissim. To say he's "selfish"- we're all selfish. This is past that. Lots of rationalization going on there. And he's got a good little enabler keeping the home fires burning.
This Waxman guy is distasteful, at best. He epitomizes the subject of last week's hot-button topic "Triathlon is a stupid sport." The biggest problem is his assertion (or perhaps that of the author) that his "drive" is what compels him to do it. I know people that are driven to succeed above and beyond what this guy does - and they spend their free time doing decidedly non-driven activities. His indignance and refusal to compromise further prove that he is this generation's version of the deadbeat dad. The 2 nights a week that he loans to his wife/kids hardly offset the 20+ hrs/wk that he spends satisfying himself.
For nearly all of us, sport is a recreational activity. We all have obligations that must be prioritized, and endurance sports usually aren't on the "drop everything and tend to me" list. When I first got into the sport, I tried the brute force method. I had workouts, and they were going to happen - no questions asked. Quality of life plummeted. Kids were neglected, wife was pissed, house was in disarray, etc. Needless to say, wife/kids/home won out over brute force.
Eventually, I realized that life was like a game of Tetris. Some pieces drop right into place, while other pieces don't seem to fit at all. Sometimes you can manipulate them to make them fit, but ultimately you have to make due with the pieces you're dealt and the puzzle you're presented. The sport will fit. It may not fit where or how you like, but life's circumstances are a boulder best left alone and not wrestled.
Justin- Thank you for these words. I actually really needed to hear them today for very non-triathlon reasons.
First of all, who cares if this guy goes 10 hours or 17? Who cares if he swam the EC and climbed Everest in the same day? Irrelevent.
My friend swims with him in masters in NYC for quite some time. She says he's a great guy in person, and that the story is hell-bent of presenting him in the article's particular slant. I can't comment on that, but I throw it out there. I'd be mortified if I were him.
If the article is accurate, then he is the poster child for obsession. His actions, I would argue, are no longer about "triathlon," but a shield based in some kind of insecurity and lack of complete identity. Don't care if he's a Wall St. gazillionaire, and if he wins Kona next year. The guy is hiding from himself and his family. He is a person hooked on the external validation of how impressed he THINKS everyone is with his accomplsihments. He needs to strut like a triathlon peacock for his own self worth. It's really an old, and not very unique story.
What worked for me....I ran marathons and HMs when the kids were little for the distance stuff. Stuck to sprint and Oly tris. That seemed enough time away. I know the children needed me, but I also needed them. My internal mommy-meter only liked being away from them for a certain amount of time. Once away too long, I felt like my heart was being ripped out, it would actually hurt. NOTHING I was doing when I got to that place was worth it, or more rewarding or fulfilling than being with them.
I was once on Oprah (1990, I think) as the person speaking to "extreme self-care." By that, I mean you do have to take care of yourself before you can be there for others. I believe that with all my heart, and training can be part of that. I am the best wife, mom, friend, professional in the place of balance. It would be hard to convince me that IMs year in and year out, year after year, in a family with little children is a place of balance. Especially training the high-volume way. That's a place of narcissim, obsession, need for external validation--or all combined.. We older folks who no longer have young families get more of a pass, but the balancing act with the spouse is still a major player in all this.
@ Nemo - Glad I could be of (admittedly inadvertent) assistance. I think that we (as a society) tend to complicate things too much, lamenting over how to "make" far too many things fit. The part you quoted is actually a tool I use during ultra running. You have to dig so deep in those races that every new condition or circumstance has to be managed efficiently so that you can move on. Ideally, you'd like to solve every problem 100%, but sometimes the 75% solution is the most effective way to keep moving forward.
I have to assume the story is a distortion of the reality on some level. Otherwise, how could the writer ever pitch an article to his editor (at the WSJ no less) about a guy who rides his bicycle in his basement 8 hours a week! The uninitiated would never understand.
Ditto to most of what has already been said. With a 50% success rate (or for you half-empty people 50% failure rate
), marriage as an institution is declining. Make no mistake, marriage is WORK. Successful marriages are not left to random chance. They are planned, organized, and worked on. Communication in my universe is very important. So is handling expectations. They should go hand in hand.
If you have been married for any length of time ( I have been married for over 20 years to my first trophy wife
), you will be shaking your head up and down on this one: There are times when I think that my wife completes me, is my raison d'etre (reason for being), my soul mate that makes me complete. I could not imagine a world without her. Yet, 20 minutes later, I want to strangle her and cut her up into little pieces! 
You are not the same person you were 1/5/10 years ago and neither is your significant other. They will be not be the same person in 1/5/10 years in the future. You must manage the growth/change of yourself along with your spouse. There is a delicate balance of the 2 people becoming one, yet maintaining your individual identities. Then to throw on children into the fray, the problems expand expotentially.
As far as triathlon being a "selfish" sport, it's the fable of the 5 blind men around an elephant. Yes it is, but no it isn't. When I excercise, my world is a better place. I have more energy, I can handle stress better, I am more productive. I truly enjoy my morning runs when the sun is rising and my dogs are running with me. That is my special time. I think everyone in EN knows what I am talking about. Other people that value health and excercise just "Get it". But the 2 pack a day smoker, who is morbidly obese, has diabetes and uses a motorized cart to go to WalMart reads a WSJ article and says all triathletes are selfish. I really can't control what other think, but I know that in this universe, one of the most powerful weapons is your thoughts. I would hypothesis that successful married people think about the person they fell in love with and continute to choose their thoughts that way. Marriages that have problems, I would propose think about how they want to change their spouse to be the ideal mate. And if you think that you can change another person............................
So I choose to be selfish and take care of myself first, so that I can take care of others and be a servant to my fellow man.
Dr Wayne Dyer once said "True nobility is not being better than anyone else. It is you being a better person today than you were yesterday."
Good words for us to follow, Jim.
For those who don't know him, Jim is the epitome of the unselfish triathlete, someone who through his sport, gives back so much more to the world. (I know Jim would never blow his own horn, so I'll do it for him.)
Wow!
Very very inspiring Jim.
@Linda - I like what you said about the mommy-meter. I watch my sister, with Ironman glint in her eye for someday, know it is just not the time to do it yet. Even though she's "only" doing marathons and olys now, she's one of the hardest training athletes I know. Bike workouts with the Burley trailer and Baby Gavin? Hard work! Marathon workouts on the dreadmill after the kids have gone to bed? I'm always amazed at how she makes it all fit.
Kids? Awesome. Love the people who know they are lucky to have them. One of my favorite moments of training last summer: My sister and Baby Gavin joined me for the seven-hour, Ironman Wisconsin race rehearsal. Jo did her workout (with Burley trailer/jogger) while I did mine. I stopped to change bottles at the car at the end of the first loop of the course and had the toddler run up and hug me with the biggest, most fantastic two year-old hug. Happiest second loop of a race rehearsal ever.
I'm in a new, baby relationship right now, and am finding it is really, really easy to get more efficient so there is time to hang out with new person. Saturday morning shopping, workout, and chores? Knock out the list and the go out and play. There's leaving work on time, so I can get home and knock out bike intervals before date night. Left all on my own, there's a lot more dawdling. I think when you really want to do something (triathlon) or see someone (your wife), you probably have no trouble making room in your life.
It just occurred to me that EN is really the Matrix movies. We have Neo ( I mean Nemo) and the Oracle (Al)
All we need is Morpheus, Trinity and we are all set!! Thanks for the kind words Al, it seems like you are on the mend. I hope to have some news about IM AZ in the future.
I like your point about "being left to our own devices" and efficiency. Most days, I accomplish more in the 3-4 hours after work than I do in an entire weekend (if you ignore the relative workout durations). That little push in the back forces you to prioritize things and complete them accordingly.
It really speaks to the EN philosophy. When you break your time down into smaller pieces, you can focus your efforts on a task and justify operating at a greater intensity. When you have a huge time vacancy (as on weekends or vacation days) you want to seize the opportunity and fit in as much as possible. It's very open-ended, and makes it hard to focus your efforts on one small task. Let's face it, 3 hours at Z3 is way less painful than 2 x 20' intervals and 5 x 2.5's.