Off Topic: Help With Unmotivated Kid - Need Some Advice
Hi Folks:
Just wondering if anyone has experience or insight in the following . . . . .
My older brother passed away a couple of years ago and his son (my nephew) is having a hard time with it. So my wife and I moved him up to NorCal to help guide him and provide a safe place to live. He is a great kid, honest, funny, great with my son, etc.. But he is 24 and unbeknownst to us he is a pretty unmotivated guy. He is forgetful, lacks motivation, an introvert (would rather cocoon in his room) and generally has zero motivation. He will do things I tell him to do, but he doesn't take any initiative. He dies the bare minimum.
He is currently enrolled at a junior college (one class) for a HVAC (air conditioning) trade but has missed the last 2 classes because he forgot he had them.
He has spent the past 2 years in a rock band playing at all the clubs on Sunset Strip playing the Whiskey A Go Go, House of Blues, Rainbow Room, etc. But other than that he is pretty much not into anything.
He has taken ADD meds in the past but he says they make him unfeeling and no "lust for life." Uh, OK.
I am reading a book on the subject and trying some of the techniques in it but i lack one very important thing . . . . patience.
My nephew is the exact opposite of me and it is frustrating the crap out of me. We had a "Come To Jesus" talk on Monday night and it seems to have gotten his attention but we shall see next week if it holds.
Anyway, I would love any feedback you guys have to share with me. Resources, books, whatever.
Thanks.
Signed
Frustrated in NorCal
Comments
Does he snore? A study came out a couple of years ago where more than 50% of diagnosed ADHD improved / got off their medications by doing one thing. Removing the tonsils. They were having sleep disordered breathing problems/ sleep apnea and were probably misdiagnosed. So if your nephew snores and stops breathing during the night, you might think about a sleep test where he can go to a sleep lab and have a series of thorough test performed to see if that is the issue.
Yes it is frustrating to us who work very hard to accomplish material success, athletic success, economic success over several decades to have a young person come and expect it all to be given/ handed to them. But that is one of those life's lessons that must be taught. You need to sow before you reap as the Good Book tells us.
If you have any questions, email me at jyanoschik@peoplepc.com. Starting to get back into mainstream EN and training again.
An evaluation for depression might be in order and go from there.
Thanks, Jim!
Mary - That is one thing we believe is the case. We are planning a group counseling session with him in the next couple of weeks. He doesn't know it, yet. :-) We are hoping to see if depression is a key factor. If so, and after talking at length to his mother, he has been depressed for many years. :-(
Thanks again guys.
I would suggest that you have this conversation with him rather than "surprise" him with it. We are talking about depression and he should be a willing participant in the process if you want progess to be made. This should not be like the show "Intervention" as depression is very different from addiction, plus the people on that show have hit a point where their lives actually depend on the intervention due to the nature of substance abuse and the fact they are using enough to actually die. Your nephew is 24 years old, so he should be talked to like the adult he is. If depression is truly the issue, I suggest him working with a therapist who incorporates some form of mediation into their treatment of the mental health issue. There are wonderful things being done with meditation for clients with depression and/or anxiety. A good start is the book: The Mindful Way through Depression by Williams, Teasdale, Segal and Kabat-Zinn. The last author in that list, Jon Kabat-Zinn has done wonderful things with Mindfulness Meditation in the treatment of pain disorders along with mental health disorders through his clinic at UMASS Medical Center.
You know I love you like a brother. Here goes:
As uncomfortable as his behavior and choices make you, in the end, it is his life. Real change will have to come from within him, not an external force, no matter how well-intentioned.
Can you be honest with yourself about how this is affecting you? Coming from a simple, honest, loving stance will give him the dignity and freedom to make clear choices, unrestrained by unrealized and unspoken agendas.
Keep us posted.
--Larry
Thanks for the feedback, folks.
Just to clarify, we are not doing anything like an intervention. My wife and I are going to join him in a counseling session to see how we can help and support him. Also to tee him up for ongoing counseling to work on how his dad's death is affecting him. We talked to him about it on Monday and he is completely open to this.
@Larry and Mary - We are also looking for a group for him. Thanks for the advice.
@Bill - Thanks. Quack quack. :-)
@Yano - Nope, no snoring.
Lastly, I went to a Cub Scout campout last weekend and had time to talk to many of the parents in my sons den. It is amazing how many other parents are dealing with a child with ADD or some other disorder. I got a lot of encouragement from them.
More later.
John