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marriage is falling appart

drinking my 5th beer, getting totally wasted....this (the beers) is more than the last 4 years combined...not even sure why I'm writing this.  Guess I just need to vent. It's been a hard few months, with kids (baby twins and a 15 YO boy) and all but my marriage is falling appart... I'm experiencing Highs and lows like never before...hard to focus on training and EN community but at the same time, It's probably one of the only thing that brings some kind of stability in this hectic time. Wife and I are out of sync... When she wants to "make it work", I'm like "I'm done"! and now, it's the other way around... Been like that for a few months now...looks like we are both not happy with the situation, but not unhappy enough to take decisive measures...To resume, I'm drunk and lost...probably should not post this....but what the heck...there's a lot of divorced guys here (and probably women to balance out our machos side of the stories), so ...I guess I'm looking for some advices here...
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  • been through it.. it sucks.. email me if you want to vent/ chat... I'm a good listener and have good general thoughts...
    sdinhofer@gmail.com
  • I have never had to cut the cord, but have come close to the edge. I am no saint, but I would put down the beer. These types of situations require clear thoughts. Beer confuses things and amplifies both truths and falsehoods, and honestly is designed for the good times.

    Like scott, happy to listen. Let us know how we can help. desutherland@gmail.com 
  • Your marriage is far more important than triathlon, and since nothing decisive has been done yet, there is still time to save it. Get a babysitter and take her to dinner and start doing things for her whether she asks or not and whether you feel like it or not.  Wash, rinse and repeat. Wishing you all the best.
  • edited April 30, 2017 1:56AM
    When I got married 37 hrs ago I said the vows like everyone else but it wasn't until we were having trouble some years back that my wife demonstrated that she had taken them to heart where as I had only said the words. Since then I remember them everyday.

    "to be my lawfully wedded (husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part." Hang in there, it's worth ot!


  • I can't contribute any learned advice, but my thoughts are with you, David.  Keep strong.
  • edited April 30, 2017 11:45AM
    I'm sorry to hear this...and I wish I had sage advice....I've been there...been through it (after 15 yrs and 2 great kids)....but best to start by puttin the beer down.  Only way out or through is to get to the bottom of the discontent...it may or may not be much more than overwhelming (& unshared) stress.  You have to share that with your wife and see where that goes...you either make it through or not....but you can't make that call on your own...your wife has to listen and (you to her) then decide together how to get through together or out....best of luck.
  • Seek professional counseling.   Sell a bike or something, but invest in your marriage by investing in marriage counseling.   Some things can't be solved by yourself.  The same way you need a Tri coach, is the same way you need a marriage coach.   
  • Sorry to read David, I am confident that you are both able to get things work, I was able to see in you how much familly is an important thing for you.. as such Im sure you will make it work... if not (i dont hope so), think about your kids first
  • David, I hope the light of day has brought a little clarity to the situation. Good advice above and I don't know what else to add to any of it, but I would start by getting away with your wife and having a good heart to heart. If you can make it a weekend without the kids that would be even better. I hope you can work it out. I had one marriage that didn't work out and one that's going on 30 years. PM me if you want to talk. 
  • I suspect the beer helped you get to the point where you were comfortable sharing this, which ultimately may be a good thing.   It's rarely possible to solve a struggle of any sort on your own.   As those said above...now that it's out there it's important to discuss and chart your course of action with a clear mind.    I don't know anyone that ever said marriage is easy.   I think if most married people were honest they would say they've had more than their fair share of struggles but it's hard to put it out there.  I know people that have been married for decades that I wouldn't have seen lasting a year then there are others that divorce that seemingly had the "perfect marriage" from the outside.  

    If you haven't tried professional counseling it's worth a try as Andre suggests.   I'm not ashamed to admit that I've been there.   I didn't personally find it productive/helpful but I know many others that have.

    We often joke about triathlon causing divorce...which in some cases may be true, but ultimately I don't think is often the case.   Usually there are more foundational issues that need addressed and perhaps the time spent training brings those to the surface.   I don't think that's different than any other hobby.   As I tell my friends that are avid golfers....2 rounds of golf a week is a good 12 hours away....that's a training week for me and most of those hours are at 5AM.

    Wishing you the clarity and strength to make the right decisions for you, your wife, and your children.   As with those above...happy to lend an ear publicly here or privately via email.  jjbiub@gmail.com
  • High quality wisdom and caring strength here David.

    Counseling with a good counselor is tough but the path forward as others have recommended.  We all have these challenges/trials, its life....how we choose to deal with it determines our quality of life moving forward.  Come here to find strength from a lot of down to earth, strong, smart peeps, many of whom have already walked that path.

    SS
  • I'm far from an expert on the topics of marriage and divorce but have been through both.

    My advice would be to get your head clear. Avoid anything that alters your state of consciousness or numbs you out and begin the process of some deep soul searching. 

    Remember that your children come first. No matter what happens you will ALWAYS be their Father and they are much more resilient than you may realize. My son was 4 when my wife left me and I had no idea how I could make things work. You dig deep, make sacrifices and do the work. Just like triathlon.....

    Feel free to ask any questions or reach out if needed. As SS stated, there's a lot of experience on this team and people will help however they can.

    Stay strong...

    TB
    toddbray1@gmail.com 
  • Hoping that you can work things out for the best.  Lots of advice above. I've been married 30+ years and also have 3 kids. Young children can add a ton of stress to the marriage.  The best advice I can offer is to offer up some free time for your wife.  Take the kids so she can go for a coffee, lock herself the bedroom for 30 minutes of quiet time or whatever she needs for a mental break.  Have your older son babysit so you two can have a date night or even date hour together.  My wife and I try to get out once a week together.  Remember, tough times don't last forever.
  • The Team is here for you man...just let us know what we can do. x10 on the counseling....we started it for my daughter's anxiety, but it has been invaluable for us as a couple...it became a safe space where we could speak truth, as the emotional rules we had established at home couldn't take over. 

    I don't think the counseling helped us with our daughter, but it sure helped us with each other. 

    Anything we can do let us know. 

    I am at 617-513-3830.

    ~ Coach P
  • don't drink, run!  that's how I got into all this exercise stuff!  New husband now, upgraded for sure, life much better.  one door closes for another to open...  
  • Dave - compelled to add more - 
    After I got separated, (not my choice, turns out my ex had a lot of secret issues closeted up that came out in the ensuing two years), but BEFORE that was known, I tried everything to save my marriage. We'd been in therapy (she later apologized for wanting to "fix" me as opposed to working on the relationship.)

    Despite some really ugly things (way uglier than you going on a drunken EN confession), I still threw down the gauntlet and said "my marriage and family are THE most important things in my life."

    Sounds like you have both believed that at different times. I truly believe that anyone that thinks relationships happen and they aren't work, isn't in a real relationship. I think the comments ^^up there^^ all point to that fact. It ain't easy, there is no instruction manual, and it's easier to run and hide than it is to work on yourself in the context of a crazy partnership.

    When shizz bothers you, go out for a run. Get a baby jogger and take the little ones with you so she can decompress too, look at each other and know this is the person you want by your side for another 20 years. Trust me, I am no cake walk and neither is my Ex, but I'd have done most anything at the time to save my marriage and preserve the ability to raise my kids in a normally dysfunctional household surrounded by love. 

    my $.02
    917-848-2335
  • Thank u all for the advices...wife and I had a good talk last night, a lot more work to be done for sure but it's a good start to whatever we decide... Again, thank u all for caring, u guys are the best!!

  • Hi Dave,
    So happy to read you and your wife had a good talk - I wish I could offer super smart advice - I have a lot of stuff going on (including husband stuff), and started with a therapist last week. He gave me and my husband this HW (b/c I don't think he will go to therapy). https://heartworkinstitute.files.wordpress.com/2016/04/relationship-transformers-2016.pdf 

    I hope this will be a valuable tool for you and your wife. 

    Sending along a lot of good EN and universe mojo.

  • Hi Dave,
    Yes, glad to hear you guys had a good talk.  From the wife's perspective, it is HARD being a Mom.  Really HARD!  I was divorced when my kids were 5 and 6, and it sucks!  Yes, they are very resilient, but it is never easy.  I believe when couples have kids, there is a tendency to let them take over your lives and hearts and before you know it - there is nothing left for each other!  As others have said, try to make time for each other and remember why you got married in the first place.  It sounds like there may be enough there for you to make this work, but it IS work...  We are all here for you and are wishing you and your family all the best!  Glad you reached out...
  • Oh David I just saw this thread.... Nothing to add other than thinking of you guys and hoping for the best outcome.
  • This post touched me.  Not just because David put it all out there, but because you are a beautiful group of people who not only offer the best training advice, but so sincerely offered him support during a difficult personal time. 

    David, very happy to hear you had a good talk.  Hope it takes you where you both want to be.  I highly suggest posting to this group when the down hills come around again.  It sounds like everyone will be waiting right here.




  • edited August 17, 2017 3:13AM
    David - stumbled onto this post  (I realize it's a couple months old) & thought I'd check in to see how you and your wife are doing. Lots of good feedback above from the team. One thing that struck me was the current life phase you guys are still in - that is baby twins. As a dad of 7 kids between the ages of 1 to 14 years old I can attest to the fact that you guys are just in a tough phase of life - babies / toddlers are just hard.

    My bride & I remind ourselves frequently of two things:
    1. That life is a series of seasons - don't get too pumped about the highs (because a hard season is coming) & don't get too discouraged about the lows (because the seasons don't last forever).  \
    2. When things get hard the best way to improve our marriage is for me to draw a circle around myself & work on improving/changing everything in that circle.

    For what it's worth - we used to lead a marriage communication class at our church - taught it for several years before the content was infused into other classes.  I posted all the content online - audio, pdf notes, & powerpoint stuff.  I'm not an expert - but maybe you will find some of the content useful - https://marriageisnotforwimps.com/

    I hope you guys are moving up and towards the right.  Keep going.
    - David
  • thanx all for the advices and encouragement. Tried and failed, but I can't accept the "cheating  on u" part so we are heading for an ugly divorce
  • I just saw this and my thoughts and prayers are with you.  I just went through an ugly divorce that took from January 2012 to September of 2016.  She decided in her 50's that a 28 year old dude was better than me.  Even after I found out and wanted to try to work things out she wanted nothing to do with it.  She wanted me out so I left.  It was about 6 or so months later that she tried to get me back but I was done.  I have a now 24 year old son and a 12 year old daughter.  They have suffered the most but they are okay.  I really don't know what to say but if you need to talk just let me know.
  • David, Sorry to hear about the divorce.  Hope its not uglier than it has to be.
  • DONT YOU APOLOGIZE FOR REACHING OUT! This is what your EN family is for!! Don't you see how everyone is ready willing and able to come to your aid, you are loved! 

    Most people don't know this about me, but I've been married once upon a time. Counseling didn't help us, but because we both needed therapy to work on ourselves first. If you can get counseling for you and her separate before you go into therapy together, I would highly recommend it. You will want that one on one counseling for yourself anyway, self-improvement is something we all can benefit from. 

    Here if you need a woman's perspective. 

    I would also recommend reading two books: 

    1. The Five Love Languages 
    2. The Love Dare 

    Even if you think you're headed for divorce.... READ THEM ANYWAY!!!! Everyone should read the first one. EVERYONE! It will change even how you view loving your children. 

    We are here for you no matter what. 
  • Damn it. That is terrible. I am very sorry that is happening to you.

    We all get a turn in the shit. Just keep walking. It will end. 
  • Sorry to hear that Dave. I hope it's not too ugly. 
  • David, sorry to hear you are joining me in this.  We are most likely in the same stage so if you ever want to chat please let me know.  

    @Mariah Bridges I absolutely love love love the Five Love Languages book. Was introduced to it by one of our first counselors years ago and even though it didn’t help my marriage it had a profound effect on me. Wish I would have been given this as a wedding gift.  Something I will definitely reflect upon with any future relationships.   
  • do we need to start a divorce coaching group?? I am actually contemplating getting certified in that!
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