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marriage is falling appart
drinking my 5th beer, getting totally wasted....this (the beers) is more than the last 4 years combined...not even sure why I'm writing this. Guess I just need to vent. It's been a hard few months, with kids (baby twins and a 15 YO boy) and all but my marriage is falling appart... I'm experiencing Highs and lows like never before...hard to focus on training and EN community but at the same time, It's probably one of the only thing that brings some kind of stability in this hectic time. Wife and I are out of sync... When she wants to "make it work", I'm like "I'm done"! and now, it's the other way around... Been like that for a few months now...looks like we are both not happy with the situation, but not unhappy enough to take decisive measures...To resume, I'm drunk and lost...probably should not post this....but what the heck...there's a lot of divorced guys here (and probably women to balance out our machos side of the stories), so ...I guess I'm looking for some advices here...
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sdinhofer@gmail.com
Like scott, happy to listen. Let us know how we can help. desutherland@gmail.com
"to be my lawfully wedded (husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part." Hang in there, it's worth ot!
If you haven't tried professional counseling it's worth a try as Andre suggests. I'm not ashamed to admit that I've been there. I didn't personally find it productive/helpful but I know many others that have.
We often joke about triathlon causing divorce...which in some cases may be true, but ultimately I don't think is often the case. Usually there are more foundational issues that need addressed and perhaps the time spent training brings those to the surface. I don't think that's different than any other hobby. As I tell my friends that are avid golfers....2 rounds of golf a week is a good 12 hours away....that's a training week for me and most of those hours are at 5AM.
Wishing you the clarity and strength to make the right decisions for you, your wife, and your children. As with those above...happy to lend an ear publicly here or privately via email. jjbiub@gmail.com
Counseling with a good counselor is tough but the path forward as others have recommended. We all have these challenges/trials, its life....how we choose to deal with it determines our quality of life moving forward. Come here to find strength from a lot of down to earth, strong, smart peeps, many of whom have already walked that path.
SS
My advice would be to get your head clear. Avoid anything that alters your state of consciousness or numbs you out and begin the process of some deep soul searching.
Remember that your children come first. No matter what happens you will ALWAYS be their Father and they are much more resilient than you may realize. My son was 4 when my wife left me and I had no idea how I could make things work. You dig deep, make sacrifices and do the work. Just like triathlon.....
Feel free to ask any questions or reach out if needed. As SS stated, there's a lot of experience on this team and people will help however they can.
Stay strong...
TB
toddbray1@gmail.com
I don't think the counseling helped us with our daughter, but it sure helped us with each other.
Anything we can do let us know.
I am at 617-513-3830.
~ Coach P
After I got separated, (not my choice, turns out my ex had a lot of secret issues closeted up that came out in the ensuing two years), but BEFORE that was known, I tried everything to save my marriage. We'd been in therapy (she later apologized for wanting to "fix" me as opposed to working on the relationship.)
Despite some really ugly things (way uglier than you going on a drunken EN confession), I still threw down the gauntlet and said "my marriage and family are THE most important things in my life."
Sounds like you have both believed that at different times. I truly believe that anyone that thinks relationships happen and they aren't work, isn't in a real relationship. I think the comments ^^up there^^ all point to that fact. It ain't easy, there is no instruction manual, and it's easier to run and hide than it is to work on yourself in the context of a crazy partnership.
When shizz bothers you, go out for a run. Get a baby jogger and take the little ones with you so she can decompress too, look at each other and know this is the person you want by your side for another 20 years. Trust me, I am no cake walk and neither is my Ex, but I'd have done most anything at the time to save my marriage and preserve the ability to raise my kids in a normally dysfunctional household surrounded by love.
my $.02
917-848-2335
So happy to read you and your wife had a good talk - I wish I could offer super smart advice - I have a lot of stuff going on (including husband stuff), and started with a therapist last week. He gave me and my husband this HW (b/c I don't think he will go to therapy). https://heartworkinstitute.files.wordpress.com/2016/04/relationship-transformers-2016.pdf
I hope this will be a valuable tool for you and your wife.
Sending along a lot of good EN and universe mojo.
Yes, glad to hear you guys had a good talk. From the wife's perspective, it is HARD being a Mom. Really HARD! I was divorced when my kids were 5 and 6, and it sucks! Yes, they are very resilient, but it is never easy. I believe when couples have kids, there is a tendency to let them take over your lives and hearts and before you know it - there is nothing left for each other! As others have said, try to make time for each other and remember why you got married in the first place. It sounds like there may be enough there for you to make this work, but it IS work... We are all here for you and are wishing you and your family all the best! Glad you reached out...
This post touched me. Not just because David put it all out there, but because you are a beautiful group of people who not only offer the best training advice, but so sincerely offered him support during a difficult personal time.
David, very happy to hear you had a good talk. Hope it takes you where you both want to be. I highly suggest posting to this group when the down hills come around again. It sounds like everyone will be waiting right here.
My bride & I remind ourselves frequently of two things:
For what it's worth - we used to lead a marriage communication class at our church - taught it for several years before the content was infused into other classes. I posted all the content online - audio, pdf notes, & powerpoint stuff. I'm not an expert - but maybe you will find some of the content useful - https://marriageisnotforwimps.com/
I hope you guys are moving up and towards the right. Keep going.
- David
Most people don't know this about me, but I've been married once upon a time. Counseling didn't help us, but because we both needed therapy to work on ourselves first. If you can get counseling for you and her separate before you go into therapy together, I would highly recommend it. You will want that one on one counseling for yourself anyway, self-improvement is something we all can benefit from.
Here if you need a woman's perspective.
I would also recommend reading two books:
1. The Five Love Languages
2. The Love Dare
Even if you think you're headed for divorce.... READ THEM ANYWAY!!!! Everyone should read the first one. EVERYONE! It will change even how you view loving your children.
We are here for you no matter what.
We all get a turn in the shit. Just keep walking. It will end.
@Mariah Bridges I absolutely love love love the Five Love Languages book. Was introduced to it by one of our first counselors years ago and even though it didn’t help my marriage it had a profound effect on me. Wish I would have been given this as a wedding gift. Something I will definitely reflect upon with any future relationships.