So sorry to hear David. Like so many others, I went through a divorce long ago ... after 3 sons and 15 years of marriage. Divorce represents a failure in our lives that many type 'A' triathletes haven't really experienced in our professional and athletic lives...it hurts in a lot of ways. All I can say is that time heals all. I've been happily re-married for over 22 years now and was lucky to have another child, a daughter this time, as a result. The team is here if you need to talk to anyone while you go through the worst part. Just remember that it WILL get better.
It’s never pleasant to hear stuff like this but is a part of life. I have a couple friends going through the same situation and without knowing your particular circumstances I can only extend the advice I hear from them: if you know which path you want to take, make it quick... don’t drag the divorce process. A bad deal is better than a good fight.
OH shizz @david Richmond - so sorry to hear what you are going through now with this. I know you dug your heels in and tried to save things from the past chats. It's heartbreaking. While none of us have met you (I think) - EN is more of a family than you know... find a way (and as an airline pilot, you have the ways) to pick an ENer to come visit and train with in the spring or summer, you will fit right in and find a way to explore yourself and find peace. Stick with tri and remember to love your kids more than the bad feelings you may have or develop towards your wife.
I have been through this there are more people here than you might believe who have been through it, or are facing it, we all can help each other in the context of tri.
Sorry to read David, wish you the best outcome of that not easy situation.
I had a few friends that got divorced in the last few years and half of them had long fighting and it impacted the kids.. please please try your best that it doesnt happen. Once this will be done, I am confident that you will get back on your feet quickly, you are a fighter!
I haven't been overtly public about it, but I'm going through the same thing now as well. Not exactly the same, as things with me are relatively amicable and as positive as they can be be given the circumstances. I've reached out to a few ENers that I know have gone through similar situations and the compassion and support have been immensely reassuring and comforting. Being a private person talking about things like this doesn't come naturally but I've found it to be surprisingly cathartic.
As with all trials in life...keep your head up and know that things will improve. And follow these song lyrics....."If you're going through hell, keep on going. Don't slow down, if you're scared don't show it. You might get out before the devil even knows you're there"!
My heart goes out to you and the others going through this or having gone through this as I very much understand the level of pain in this process. It feels like it will kill you and never end but, it will get better over time.
No situation is black and white, many dynamics play into this and every situation is different. As mentioned above, one thing that helped me through this time was to find a seasoned, experienced Psychologist as a counselor. One that has had many divorce clients. That person can provide a clear perspective as you manage through the emotions and stress and provide a very rational thought process through each of the decisions/challenges along the way. Very hard to do this by yourself and make those decisions and choices in the midst of pain/stress/emotion.
This is so sad.... When I divorced my first husband the way I dealt with it was with running.... funny thing, now I do ironman!
since then I traded up and am happily married... for more than 10 years...
Most important, let it go and get your inner endorphins working! Be where you are now... and if you process and succeed through this hardship, know that you will be stronger.
I went through a marriage when I was much younger that ended in a divorce because she wanted an “open marriage” at least on her side. It almost killed me and one morning while laying in bed the prime directive came to me to separate my life from her and move on. Luckily we didn’t have any children and not many assets so the divorce was relatively easy and amicable. However that doesn’t mean that the process was easy. I spent a lot of time with my counselor and a lot more time walking in the woods. One song that helped me was Lui Collins’ Baptism of Fire. The lyrics in the first verse are:
Baptism of fire, I never knew what that meant
But now the flames are rising higher, I guess I haven't seen anything yet
Because it's coming down around me and I am rising up
Like a phoenix from the ashes wings across the blue
The only way out is through
That imagery kept me going and it got to the point that I wanted to turn the flames up to purge everything. I still revisit it from time to time when things get tough.
A couple of years later after I had time to process it all and get comfortable with myself, I upgraded (as Patricia says). This December Susan and I are celebrating our 30th anniversary and planning many exciting adventures. Hang in there. The only way out is through.
@Doug Sutherland no need to be sorry, if my thread can help others in any way, I'm "happy" (for lack of a better word) to give back to the EN family in some kind of (weird) way
@Doug Sutherland, triathlon wasn't a part of my life at the time so it wasn't a cause nor a solution. My ex told me on our wedding day that the marriage would probably end in divorce because it ran in her family. I should have walked, no ran, away then but I didn't and it almost killed me. I was riding bikes then and there were many fast, long bike rides that helped me get through it. Who knows what would have happened if l didn't have that release.
@Doug Sutherland, I had been a serious runner for a long time when I got divorced. It wasn't an issue in the divorce at all. Shortly after my first marriage, I found a disturbing side to her that I hadn't seen before. The marriage was a constant struggle and the last several years I was only in it for the kids, until it became untenable. My ex was diagnosed as bi-polar after we divorced...that explained a lot. I suffered from stress-induced TMJ the last several years of that marriage and after the divorce it completely faded away in about a year. What was really amazing was all the stories people told me about her AFTER the divorce...I would have left sooner had I known everything. When I 'traded-up', my wife (of now 22+ yrs) knew all about the fitness habit.
Comments
keep going strong
I have been through this there are more people here than you might believe who have been through it, or are facing it, we all can help each other in the context of tri.
peace be with you
I had a few friends that got divorced in the last few years and half of them had long fighting and it impacted the kids.. please please try your best that it doesnt happen. Once this will be done, I am confident that you will get back on your feet quickly, you are a fighter!
I haven't been overtly public about it, but I'm going through the same thing now as well. Not exactly the same, as things with me are relatively amicable and as positive as they can be be given the circumstances. I've reached out to a few ENers that I know have gone through similar situations and the compassion and support have been immensely reassuring and comforting. Being a private person talking about things like this doesn't come naturally but I've found it to be surprisingly cathartic.
As with all trials in life...keep your head up and know that things will improve. And follow these song lyrics....."If you're going through hell, keep on going. Don't slow down, if you're scared don't show it. You might get out before the devil even knows you're there"!
My heart goes out to you and the others going through this or having gone through this as I very much understand the level of pain in this process. It feels like it will kill you and never end but, it will get better over time.
No situation is black and white, many dynamics play into this and every situation is different. As mentioned above, one thing that helped me through this time was to find a seasoned, experienced Psychologist as a counselor. One that has had many divorce clients. That person can provide a clear perspective as you manage through the emotions and stress and provide a very rational thought process through each of the decisions/challenges along the way. Very hard to do this by yourself and make those decisions and choices in the midst of pain/stress/emotion.
Reach out as often as needed, we have your back.
SS
since then I traded up and am happily married... for more than 10 years...
Most important, let it go and get your inner endorphins working! Be where you are now... and if you process and succeed through this hardship, know that you will be stronger.
Hi David,
I went through a marriage when I was much younger that ended in a divorce because she wanted an “open marriage” at least on her side. It almost killed me and one morning while laying in bed the prime directive came to me to separate my life from her and move on. Luckily we didn’t have any children and not many assets so the divorce was relatively easy and amicable. However that doesn’t mean that the process was easy. I spent a lot of time with my counselor and a lot more time walking in the woods. One song that helped me was Lui Collins’ Baptism of Fire. The lyrics in the first verse are:
Baptism of fire, I never knew what that meant
But now the flames are rising higher, I guess I haven't seen anything yet
Because it's coming down around me and I am rising up
Like a phoenix from the ashes wings across the blue
The only way out is through
That imagery kept me going and it got to the point that I wanted to turn the flames up to purge everything. I still revisit it from time to time when things get tough.
A couple of years later after I had time to process it all and get comfortable with myself, I upgraded (as Patricia says). This December Susan and I are celebrating our 30th anniversary and planning many exciting adventures. Hang in there. The only way out is through.
@JeremyBehler, sorry to hear that
I’m sorry, but I just gotta ask. With the number of people here with personal experience, is Triathlon a piece of the cause or part of the solution?